Get on with life beyond old job

Dear Annie: I worked with a small group of people for many years. We were like family, and I truly enjoyed my time there. All of us did things together, went to dinner, movies, took trips and celebrated special occasions at one another’s homes. Then, three years ago, I retired. You would think I’d fallen off the face of the earth.

I have made efforts to stay in touch with my ex-co-workers. I’ve dropped in to visit, sent e-mails, etc. When I see them, they always greet me warmly. They’ll say they are planning something and why don’t I join them? I say, sure, let me know where and when – and I never hear from them again. I have even e-mailed to follow up, but no response.

Annie, these are people I worked with for 20 years. Now I am invisible. I can’t figure out if I’m doing something wrong or if this is just what happens when you are out of the loop. Should I just write them off and get on with my life? – M.M.

Dear M.M.: Either your co-workers weren’t as close as you thought and only maintained the friendship for the sake of office harmony, or more likely, “out of sight, out of mind.” Office friendships often don’t last beyond the expiration date. The next time you will be in their vicinity, call ahead and ask about meeting for lunch. Then get on with your life.

Dear Annie: This past year has been devastating. My husband died after a long illness, and I am struggling to go on. Today, I ran into someone my husband and I had known for 20 years. She had ignored his illness and death, yet attempted to hug me and tell me how sorry she is. I was barely holding it together and didn’t need to be gushed over in the grocery store by someone who obviously didn’t really care.

Where have these people been? Not a phone call, card, note or e-mail. There may be excuses, but there are no real reasons. It’s not too late. Send that note or e-mail. Pick up the phone. Say, “I’m thinking of you.” Or “This must be so hard for you.” “I’m praying for you.” Is that so hard? Then, the next time we meet, I’ll be more receptive to your “oops, can’t avoid it now” greeting.

Yes, I am attending grief sessions. Everyone in the room nods in agreement when someone says, “I haven’t heard from people we’ve known for years, but I’ve heard from others whom I never expected to hear from.” To those who did reach out to me, thank you. – A Recent Widow

Dear Widow: We’re so sorry for your loss. Many people simply are so uncomfortable dealing with death that they avoid contact of any kind. They don’t know what to say or do. It’s a poor excuse, however, and we hope those friends will try a little harder.