Holiday forecasts, Slice style
We all know the problems with horoscopes.
They aren’t specific. They aren’t localized. And they are not festively tailored to meet your seasonal future-forecasting needs.
But that was before The Slice got into the Zodiac business.
Today I present a horoscope guaranteed to be as accurate as any other star chart. Read on.
Aries: Exercise caution. Spittle will fly as someone in your family gets worked up about seeing a fresh-faced Spokane TV news type standing outside and reporting on snowy weather without wearing a hat.
Taurus: Don’t take it personally. A holiday houseguest from Seattle will refer to West Siders heading home while traveling Spokane area residents do likewise as “the annual exchange of prisoners.”
Gemini: Shake it off. Your plan to cover the Clocktower downtown with an enormous Christmas stocking runs into a roadblock when all your hoped-for co-conspirators dismiss you as an idiot.
Cancer: Love is in the air. Your suggestion to relocate the office party to Lake Coeur d’Alene for some polar bear skinny-dipping inexplicably charms that certain someone.
Leo: Second thoughts. Your idea to place a wreath on the front of the family truckster is questioned when the decoration becomes caked with roadway grime.
Virgo: Bask in the glow. Little ones look at you with awe when you come home with the biggest, best fake Christmas tree ever made in China.
Libra: It’s your wonderful life. An angel shows you what Spokane would have been like if you had never been born. Key differences: Fewer parking tickets written and Thudpucker’s would have stayed open one more year.
Scorpio: No one is a hero in his hometown. The town council in your rural community starts with muffled snickering and then bursts into full-throated laughter during your presentation on why your community should bill itself as “The Real Whoville.”
Sagittarius: Variety is the spice of life. While sitting home watching TV, you smile and note that Spokane has an ever-increasing number of spiffy entertainment venues hosting shows you don’t want to see.
Capricorn: Preach it, brother. Things get chilly at a family gathering at a North Side buffet when you dismiss your uncle’s latest rant about the “attack on Christmas” as nonsense and voice the opinion that the separation of church and state is the one true expression of Americanism.
Aquarius: Rage on. Your call for Spokane to re-invent itself is met with a suggestion that you re-shut up.
Pisces: Do it daily. Your decision to get everyone on your list a gift subscription to the S-R is hailed as inspired.
“Today’s Slice question: How often do people in your family set off their own car alarms?