Carolyn Hax: Active interest shows you care

Carolyn: I have a young relative who may be gay. My family is not terribly intolerant, but there would be some uproar. How do I let him know it’s equally OK if he is gay and if he’s not, and that I’ll stick by him through whatever? I know gay teens can go through hell in school, and I don’t want him to have a hard time. At the same time, I don’t want to be intrusive or let my wonderings about the subject become assumptions. – Potentially Gay Relative

There’s a reason “Some of my best friends are (interest group here)” is such an enduring and scathing joke: Real tolerance isn’t situational. It isn’t something you claim when your child/best friend/neighbor forces you to make an exception for something you used to condemn.

You tip off your relative to your potential tolerance of his potential homosexuality by being yourself. Tolerance as a worldview comes out in a person’s response to just about anything, from homosexuality to religion to dealing with clicker-hogs to accommodating a vegetarian without getting off on a rant.

If you want to be a safe place for him, then take an active interest in his life. He’ll piece together the rest.

Dear Carolyn: I let my fiance borrow my car for the weekend, and it had a giant dent when he returned it. He didn’t mention it and played dumb when I did. It’s in a place where, even if it happened while he was parked somewhere, he would have noticed it getting back into the car. I don’t want to think he’s lying, and I’d rather just drop it, but the dent needs to get fixed. Do I bring it up or let it slide? – Argh!

You either believe him, and you fix the dent yourself because it’s your car, you assumed the risk when you lent it, and you’re about to erase the line between his money and your money anyway.

Or, you don’t believe him, and you fix the dent yourself because it’s your car and it’s a small price to pay for finding out you have to break your engagement with a man you clearly don’t trust.

I don’t believe there’s any gray here. “Playing dumb” is a relationship-ending offense; that’s what kids do when they’re afraid of getting in trouble. A guy lies his way out of a door ding, and how do you think he’ll handle money, in-laws, sickness, job stress, dividing labor? How about assuming his share of any blame if your marriage goes through a rough stretch?

And if you think this answer is starting to lean toward assuming he lied, it isn’t. I have no idea what happened. But here’s what I do know: You are engaged to someone you believe is capable of lying to your face. That deserves a lot more thought than you give to fixing a car.