Breaking up right thing to do
Dear Annie: I recently broke up with my boyfriend, “Justin,” after almost two years. I ended it because I realized I’m too young (early 20s) for such a serious relationship. I know I need more time to experience life on my own, pursue graduate studies in my field and probably date a little more.
The problem? I still love him. It’s as though the moment I admitted I’m not ready, my brain flipped a switch, and now all the thoughts I was having about living in the city, going to grad school, etc., are overshadowed by how much I love him and will miss being with him.
Justin has been understanding about the situation and has even told me he thinks it would be good for me to date more. He’s smart enough not to want a relationship with someone whose heart isn’t totally there. He also has assured me I won’t lose him completely. After we both have time to heal, I know we will at least remain friends.
I’m so torn right now. I care about him very much, but there were definitely problems with the relationship that he and I both needed to work on. I’m very scared and lost and need some advice. – Anonymous in the City
Dear Anonymous: Let us start by saying we think you did the right thing. The problems in your relationship and the sense that you were missing out would not have disappeared. It’s natural for you to feel a combination of sadness and regret, but major decisions shouldn’t be based solely on the fear of making a mistake. Justin is willing to give you breathing space. Take it.
Dear Annie: Four years ago, I married a widower. His former wife was not only very popular, but a saint as well. When we run into people, we are always subjected to conversation about what a wonderful person “Mary” was and how everyone just loved her. Even now, my mother-in-law lets me know how much they all miss Mary and that they wish she were still here because she would be so proud of her adult children. I’ve finally learned to ignore her.
I don’t doubt all these wonderful things about Mary. I once watched the video of the funeral, and even I cried, wishing I had known her. But Mary is gone, and I think it is rude for me to be bombarded with her accolades. I can never measure up.
My husband usually just stands there and listens. I think he likes to hear these things. I’ve explained to my husband how this makes me feel, but he is very unsympathetic. Is there something I can say to these people without being rude? – In Mary’s Shadow
Dear Shadow: Say politely and slowly, “I’ve heard Mary was a wonderful woman. I’m sure everyone misses her.” You’ll sound gracious and kind, and anything less will be taken as sour grapes.