Effusiveness has its reasons

Carolyn: How should one interpret repeated effusive praise and appreciation? I love compliments as much as the next person, but my new guy is so effusive, I’m wary. I don’t doubt his sincerity, but I do wonder about him. I just smile and say thank you or that I had a great time as well. I like him a lot, and we do have fun together, so I figure, hey, go with the flow. Yet I’m writing you about this. – Perplexed

That usually says something is wrong somewhere, doesn’t it. If just cosmically.

I’m happy to try to parse the praise, but humor me: If this guy gives you any level of creeps, then please don’t be afraid to jump to whatever conclusion necessary to motivate you to get out.

As for interpretations, you raised and dismissed the obvious one – that he’s insincere. “Oh, please” does tend to be the first reaction of the gushed-over. I’ll take your word for it, though, that this guy might mean what he says.

A second interpretation is that you don’t think highly enough of yourself to believe compliments. That’s one you seem to have considered and chucked out as well.

Third try. He does mean it, and you do have a healthy grasp of who you are – which means you see the effusiveness as his bowing down to an idealized version of you.

If so, then wary is a good thing to be. A partner’s inability to see you as real, flawed and full is the start of a whole range of bad things, from simple incompatibility to isolation, control and abuse. (See “get out,” above.)

Of course, it’s still possible his vision is fine, and it’s speech that escapes him; maybe the only move he has in his romantic arsenal is to put poor Cupid on ‘roids.

In that case, “Thank you, but, you’re making me uncomfortable” might be not only effective, but an act of instructive mercy as well. Speaking of instructive: His ability to respond to coaching will tell you whether there’s any hope.

Carolyn: I’ve been dating a lady for 1.5 years, and when we go to restaurants or clubs I nearly always pick up the tab. This is not a hardship because I earn a middle-class salary, but so does my friend, who, in fact, earns slightly more than I do. And that’s the question: Should I keep paying, or should we split it down the middle? I believe in chivalry, but, yikes! This is 2007. She says I’m the first guy who ever raised this issue – all the others paid for everything, forever. – Raleigh, N.C.

I am uncomfortable with people who aren’t uncomfortable with having someone else pay the tab every time. It sounds like you are too. The entitlement grates. If that’s what your gut says, I’d trust it.

By the way – “split it down the middle” has no soul. Reciprocity works, but only the trusting kind, the one you don’t have to force.