Miss Manners: Absence makes conversation better

Dear Miss Manners: Suppose one was a gentleman invited to a formal dinner party. One arrives at the appointed time, checks the seating chart in the hallway, picks up his tiny envelope and finds the name of his dinner partner on a card inside, and dutifully ignores her all through drinks. Then, the butler (or gong) calls for dinner.

Does a gentleman then seek out his dinner partner and escort her into the dining room, or should he escort his own escort into the dining room, leaving her to attend to his dinner partner’s chair?

Gentle Reader: A gentleman’s duty to the lady with whom he arrives consists of handing her out of the car, opening all doors in her way, helping her out of her coat, taking her through the receiving line, seeing that she is served a drink, and making sure that she has found people with whom to talk.

Then – nothing until he reverses the procedure, parks her glass, helps her back on with her coat and so on.

A dinner party should not be mistaken for a restaurant or club, where a couple goes to enjoy each other’s company.

His duty to his dinner partner is first, as you point out, to avoid her. The idea is not to use up the supply of mutually interesting topics prematurely, because he will be talking to her for half the rest of the evening regardless.

He should manage to find her and introduce himself just before being called to dinner. He may give her his arm to escort her in.

Having perused the seating chart, he will lead her to her place without having to lean over and squint at the place cards, push in her chair and pick up her evening bag, which has slid off her lap.

Meanwhile, his own lady will have been looked after by her own dinner partner. The original couple’s shared fun comes after the party, when they will have twice as much gossip to giggle over as they would have had if they had unsociably stuck together.