Jim Kershner: Nonconformity can be a real kick

Once, when I was shopping for cars, I circled a prospective vehicle and looked long and hard at one of its tires.

Then I kicked it.

At that moment, I had become a stereotype. I had committed a cliché.

I knew, deep in my heart, that kicking a tire would yield absolutely zero information about this car. But I kicked it anyway because … that’s what people do when they are shopping for cars. In, for instance, cartoons.

I don’t know about you, but I hate committing a cliché, or, worse, being one. I have always believed that one should strive for nonconformity, take the road less traveled and march to the beat of a different drummer. Yeah, I know. Those are clichés, as well.

In fact, I commit clichés and conform to stereotypes all the time. Here are a few selected examples:

“ I’m an empty-nester who dotes absurdly on our long-suffering dog. Cliché.

“ I’m an aging baby-boomer who spends a lot of time obsessing about my 401(k). Cliché.

“ I’m a Northwesterner who enjoys standing in line to order expensive coffee drinks with Italian names. Cliché.

“I’m a Northwesterner who drinks only microbrews, the kind with names like Laughing Goose Spit. Cliché.

That’s just a sample, but I’ll bet if you look deeply at yourself, you’ll see that you are a walking cliché yourself, even if you fancy yourself the supreme iconoclast. Clichés become clichés because they are so common, and they become common because they are often true. Just ask yourself these questions:

“ If you’re a doctor, do you take off every Wednesday afternoon for golf? (If you are a stonemason, this is not a cliché.)

“ If you are a lawyer, do you drive a Lexus?

“ If you are a grandparent, do you show pictures of your grandchildren to random strangers on an airplane?

“ Do you think of your mother-in-law as a scary old battleax?

“ If you are a mother-in-law, are you a scary old battleax?

“ If you are a business executive, do you stride around public places talking loudly on your cell via Bluetooth?

“ If you are a 20-something, do you constantly wear T-shirts with ironic slogans? (This can be either an obscure band with a name like The Harmless Voles, or something like “Ace’s Auto Repair: We’ll Overhaul Your Tranny”).

“ If you’re a college professor, do you affect rumpled Harris tweed jackets? Even if you are a woman college professor?

“ If you are a journalist, are you just biding time until your screenplay and/or novel sells?

“ If you are male, do you exclusively watch action movies and gross-out comedies?

“ If you are female, do you exclusively watch heartwarming romances and sensitive, tragic weep-fests?

Well, I think you get the idea. None of us can escape being clichés, at least in some parts of our lives. Yet I still think we should be especially proud of the ways we avoid being clichés. For instance, I always liked my mother-in-law. And I have completely given up on selling that novel.

So the next time you are on a used-car lot, feel free to examine those tires. Bend down and check out the treadwear rating, the traction grade, the maximum PSI.

Just don’t kick the stupid thing. Have some self-respect, for crying out loud.