Spouse needs pain therapy

Dear Annie: Five years ago, my husband was in an accident. He was seriously hurt and since then has become addicted to prescription painkillers. When the refills run out, he gets so sick he can’t get out of bed. He sleeps all day and can’t work until he gets his meds. He has a temporary job right now but has called in sick so many times I’m sure they will fire him.

I am so tired of being the one who keeps this family going. I can’t count on him making much money, but when he does, he thinks it’s his money to spend on his own personal things. He doesn’t believe he should have to pay any bills. Also, there is a problem in the sex department. His meds make it impossible. He’s like a roommate who keeps us in debt with doctor bills.

I have tried to leave him, but I feel guilty because I know no one else will take care of him. His family disowned him because of past problems, and if I leave, I know he will kill himself. He has told me he would, and I believe him. What should I do? I can’t live like this anymore. My son and I both deserve better. – Hopeless

Dear Hopeless: This must be terribly difficult and frustrating for you. First, you or your husband should speak to his doctor about his possible addiction and his suicide threats. His symptoms without the meds could be due to withdrawal, or it could be that he is in such severe pain that there should not be a gap between refills. He also may be depressed. His doctor should be able to refer him to a pain-management program that includes physical therapy and treatment for depression. Ask what exercise he can do; this can help lift his mood as well as help his pain. You also can contact the American Pain Society (ampainsoc.org), 4700 W. Lake Ave., Glenview, IL 60025 or the American Pain Foundation (painfoundation.org) at (888) 615-PAIN (888-615-7246).

Dear Annie: I spent five years going to marriage counseling, trying to make things work with a woman who had cheated on me and virtually abandoned our daughter. I grit my teeth every time you tell readers, “Seek marriage counseling.” I wish someone had advised me early on, “Get out of the marriage. She isn’t worth it.” I eventually did. – Happily Remarried in Vermont

Dear Vermont: Counselors aren’t omniscient, and counseling is not intended to save your marriage or end it. It is supposed to help you work through problems and reach conclusions. It apparently took you five years to determine that she wasn’t “worth it,” but at least you have the satisfaction of knowing you gave it your best shot, and, especially when there are children involved, this can provide peace of mind.