Annie’s Mailbox: Check on Mom by phone; visit when affordable

Dear Annie: I am 63 years old, and my mother is 88. I am her only child. At the beginning of last year, Mom moved into a nursing home in her town, which is 800 miles away. Last year, I made frequent trips to see her, to get her settled and to check on renting and then selling her house. Twice I went for long weekends just to take her shopping for shoes. When I go, I have to rent a car and stay in a hotel.

I have a good job, but I make only enough for normal living expenses. My mother had several thousand dollars in CDs and checking. The proceeds from the house sale allowed her to purchase another CD and add more to her checking account. Mom also gets a pension and Social Security.

I never asked my mother for any money for these trips until after we sold the house, and then I asked to be reimbursed for my expenses. At first, Mom was outraged, but then she grudgingly allowed it. However, she didn’t seem to think it should apply to future trips. I just returned from a visit in which I took her shopping for clothes every day I was there. My expenses ran over $1,000, and she refuses to give me any money to pay for it. Am I being unreasonable? – Trying To Be a Good Daughter

Dear Daughter: Children should visit their parents, at their own expense, but frequent visits can drain the bank account, and if Mom wants to see you more often than you can afford, she should be willing to help you do it. Don’t threaten her, but it’s certainly OK to say, “Mom, I can’t afford to come next week, but I’ll try to come next month.” If she wants to see you sooner, she’ll offer to lend a hand. But do keep tabs on her situation by phone.

Dear Annie: My mother passed away 12 years ago, and my father has been remarried for the past nine. This past weekend, all of my siblings were in town for a visit, and we took our spouses and families out to dinner with Dad and his wife.

I wanted to take a picture of the four of us children with our father, but my father’s wife insisted she had to be in all the picture.

I don’t see anything wrong with four children taking a picture with their 77- year-old dad. Please tell me what you think of this situation. – Daughter in Florida

Dear Daughter: It should pose no threat to a stepmother if the children would like a photograph with just their father. Dad’s wife sounds insecure and apparently felt the need to assert her position in the family by demanding to be included in the pictures. It’s a shame, since she created unnecessary ill will when she easily could have been gracious. We hope you will let this pass, however, in order to maintain a good relationship.