New Speedo setting a record pace
So there is a new swimsuit, designed with help from NASA and its wind tunnels, made of low-drag, lightweight, polyurethane fabric that repels water. This otherworldly apparel is causing quite a splash – my goodness, did I just write that? – in the underworld of swimming.
The swimsuit, made by Speedo, is called the LZR Racer.
The cost of this swimsuit is $550, or twice the amount of my annual clothing budget.
Once they shaved body hair, now they slip on space suits.
(When I swam competitively in the late 1970s – mostly at state fairs and swap meets – I thought it was high-tech to trim my mustache before races.)
In a recent article by the Los Angeles Times’ Lisa Dillman, many critics were complaining that the new gear is chiefly responsible for the recent rash of swimming world records.
Frankly, I believe this is akin to complaining that George Clooney gets all the women because he wears a better cologne.
You can put Michael Phelps next to Shaquille O’Neal, and whether they are wearing Speedo LZR Racers or raccoon coats, Phelps is always going to swim a bit faster.
(In 1826, my great-great- great-great grandfather Vesuvio was the first man to swim across the Bering Sea with an organ grinder on his back.)
What we know is this: Technology changes. Tennis rackets went from wooden to aluminum; pole vaults went from bamboo to fiber; Barry Bonds went from a size 7 1/8 head to a size 7 1/4.
Anyway, apparently this swimsuit is so good, it could make a pig fly.
More than 30 world records have been set since the LZR Racer was introduced in February, all but one of them by swimmers wearing the new suit. Reportedly, the Yankees’ Jason Giambi has ordered two – pinstripes for home, gray for the road.
The key is that it reduces drag; the suit’s bonded seams allow water to flow more easily across them. This drag- resistant-formula, if applied beyond the pool, could extend most marriages by three to five years.
(My Aunt Hortense dated Johnny Weissmuller in 1939, but she soured of him wearing swim trunks to supper clubs and punctuating his dinner order with that ululating Tarzan yell.)
The biggest downside? It can take a swimmer 20 minutes to squeeze into one of these babies for a race that might last 20 seconds. Then again, everything’s relative: Joan Rivers spends 90 minutes in makeup for a 90-second TV appearance.
Of course, the Speedo is not for everyone. At the Australian Olympic trials, Jess Schipper said the LZR filled with water as she competed in the 200- meter butterfly final, causing her to fade down the stretch. This also occasionally happens to H&R Block associates during the height of tax season.
(By the way, as a happily adopted Southern Californian, I continue to push for the no-Speedos-on-Venice-Beach rule. Heck, I don’t even take off my shirt when I hit the sand out of respect for my fellow beach-goers.)
If nothing else, the Jetsons-style gear gives swimmers a mental edge. If they think they’re going faster, maybe they will; this notion has sustained George W. Bush through two terms in the White House. And if you tell a world- class swimmer he can shave a couple hundredths of a second off his time by whistling “Over the Rainbow” while doing the backstroke, he will.
But I’m old-fashioned: I still believe hard work carries the day, no matter what type of suit you’re wearing or how many Ivy League connections you have.
I am reminded of the amazing Benoit Lecomte, a sales representative for American Airlines who set out to swim across the Atlantic Ocean in 1998. He left from Hyannis, Mass., on July 16 and, 3,736 nautical miles later, swam ashore at Quiberon, France, without the benefit of Speedo’s LZR Racer.
It took him 73 days – or just three days longer than if he had booked the trip on American Airlines.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Is it my imagination, or do the Yankees and Red Sox play on ESPN twice a week? (Brian Wolfe; Schaumburg, Ill.)
A. The Yankees and Red Sox play each other 72 times a season, not counting the playoffs. Contractual restrictions with MLB allow ESPN to carry only 64 of them.
Q. You probably haven’t had time to follow the presidential campaign, but do you think the Democratic nomination might be settled by a “Free Throw From Half Court” contest during Game 4 of the NBA Finals? (George Sanford; Greensburg, Pa.)
A. Sounds like you’re trying to draft Bill Bradley for the nomination.
Q. Aaron Fike admitted to using heroin before a NASCAR race. Do you ever alter your state of mind before one of your weddings? (Mike Herrick; Milwaukee)
A. I just notify next of kin.
Q. With the NFL draft looming, should the Cincinnati Bengals select according to need or pick the most arrestable player available? (Ned Corrigan; Vienna, Va., and Scott Regan; Laurel, Md.)
A. Pay the gents, Shirley.