Carolyn Hax: Careful with digging up past

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been married more than 30 years. About 20 years ago my wife and her friend took a trip, and my wife called me one afternoon and asked if I would mind if she “traded in” her wedding ring for a bigger, prettier one. Not sure if those were her words. I said OK. But it has bothered me over the years, and I’m sure her friend talked her into it. I have not really liked her anyway.

Is that more common than I realize, that women upgrade their wedding rings? Am I being petty and immature? I have not told her how I feel, because what would be the point? She could not get her old ring back now anyway. – R.

A wedding ring is just a thing, but one with emotional heft. That leaves a whole range of possible value – and a range means room for misunderstanding, which invites hurt feelings.

So you envision your wife discarding your gesture of love, not only as a mere thing but also an inadequate one, and replacing it. And she’s doing it not with you at her side to help pick it out, but instead with the guidance (possibly pressure) from a friend you never liked.

No doubt that left you feeling diminished – which, unresolved, can haunt.

She, meanwhile, could love you to pieces and still view the ring as a thing. Yes, there is such a phenomenon as “upgrading” rings. As you’d expect, merchants would like to cash in more than once per marriage. And, pounced upon by the greedy and/or the impressionable.

Was your wife one of those? Maybe.

She may also be in a fairly well-populated third category: People who try try try but don’t like their rings. Some cherish them anyway as extensions of their spouses; some try that but fail and wear their guilt every day; sometimes there’s baggage – say, you bought something to your taste believing it superior to hers.

I realize this is a lot of analysis 20 years after the irreversible fact, one that conventional wisdom says is best let alone.

However. You’re upset not about the ring, but the emotion behind it. And yet the reason you cite for not discussing this is? The ring itself. Logically inconsistent.

Context is missing, too. Has your wife always leaned unsentimental, which has always rankled – or was the ring exchange unlike her, which has always rankled? Is it that she’s a pushover? That she hid behind her friend? If the incident reflects your wife’s nature, then dredging it up now won’t change who she is.

If it’s an anomaly, though, if you feel there’s a missing piece, dredge away. Tell her it never sat right with you, ask why she did it, and hope the shelter of 20 years provides enough safety for telling the truth.

Finally: No punishing, please. It’s all about getting some peace.