Chat lightly, if you can

Dear Miss Manners: On two occasions, now, I have made the acquaintance of someone who had spent time in prison. One person admitted the fact right upfront upon our meeting. On the other occasion, the fact was already common knowledge in the social circle we share.

I am familiar with standard getting-to-know-you conversation questions such as “How do you make your living?” or “Where did you first meet your spouse?”

But is it acceptable to ask a former prisoner what he did time for? I’ve never heard any etiquette rules address the question. What would you advise as to what may and what may not be asked?

Gentle reader: Personal questions to strangers are never safe. Consider yourself lucky if no one has yet burst into tears when you asked how she makes a living (because she’s been on the job market for nearly a year) or how he met his spouse (because his spouse just met someone else).

But Miss Manners acknowledges that you could hit a new low in casual chatter by peppering someone with questions about his crime and punishment. She also acknowledges that nowadays, an amazing number of people do want to talk to mere acquaintances about matters one would think embarrassing, but you still have to let them ask.

You may be sure that someone who wants to talk about himself will find a way to work it into the conversation. The person who announced it upfront could have been asked a nonaggressive question, such as “How was it?” or “What were the circumstances?” If others are ready to talk, you need only say “Nasty weather we’ve been having” to allow them to reply “You have no idea how hard these thunderstorms are on cat burglars.”