Tuesday not exactly super for Washington voters

Today is Super Tuesday, which will be a lot easier on the nerves than Sunday’s Super Bowl.

Oh, yeah. The game was a nail-chewer, too. But what really got my acid refluxing was suffering through that pre-game Paula Abdul song and dance video.

(Paula had the dazed look of a carjack victim. Her voice was more processed than a can of spray cheese. Yet Randy Jackson afterward said that she was hot. Man, if that’s his idea of talent, I’ll never trust the big dawg again.)

Anyway, this is the big day when a huge outburst of state primaries and caucuses will help pick the Democrat and Republican candidates who will soon be calling each other horrible names in a battle for the White House.

Currently, the Republican contenders are …

John McCain – War hero. 317 years old. He may have wise, important things to say. Unfortunately, his low-key monotone delivery immediately puts me into a coma.

Mitt Romney – Very slick. Rich. Impressive hair. If he loses he could always make even more money selling Amway.

Mike Huckabee – This guy has as much chance becoming U2’s permanent bass player as he does becoming president.

Ron Paul – Even older than McCain. Ross Perot minus the flip charts. My choice to lead the nation in the event of a UFO attack.

And for the Democrats, it’s …

Barack Obama – Likable. Eloquent. Funny. He’s got the Big Mo. Obama’s only flaw is that he’s even less experienced than I am to be president.

Hillary Rodham Clinton – Ambitious. Voice could grate cheese. Ambitious. Reminds me of a teacher I had in high school who loved tossing me out in the hall.

Sadly, we Washingtonians don’t get to take part in the Super Tuesday hoopla.

Sure, I got my ballot in the mail Monday. But our votes won’t be miscounted until Feb. 19, when all the great bloodletting might be all over.

Not that it matters, because to me the Washington primary is deader than Nixon. That’s because I resent the sentence on the ballot envelope that says:

“You must mark a party checkbox in order for your Presidential Primary vote to count.”

I’m sorry. But I’m an impartial and irresponsible journalist. I refuse to proclaim my personal political proclivities on public paperwork.

True, years ago I did participate in a Republican caucus. But that was more for the professional purpose of mockery.

Idaho Democrats do get to hold caucuses on Super Tuesday. The Spud State’s Republicans, however, will select their presidential nominee via primary election in May.

I’m glad it turned out that way.

Many Idaho Republicans have completely stopped using the word “caucus” because the term is now so often associated with Larry Craig’s behavior in an airport men’s room.

The caucuses are a mystery to me. Take this section from a Seattle Times story I read online Monday.

And I quote:

“State Republicans will allocate about half of their delegates based on the result of the statewide election. Of the party’s 40 delegates to their national convention, 19 will be allocated based on the primary and 18 on party caucuses. They also have three party officers who are ‘automatic delegates.’ “

The Dems aren’t beacons of clarity, either. Here’s what the story said about their system:

“The state Democratic Party, as it has in prior years, will ignore the results of the statewide vote and instead allocate its 80 elected delegates using the results of its caucuses, where voters will meet in their precincts to discuss candidates and elect delegates. They’ll also have 17 ‘super delegates,’ elected officials and high party officers who are free to back the candidate of their choice at the conventions.”

And they call this democracy. No wonder more people vote for American Idol than they do for president.