Confused by TV-speak? Couch Slouch translates

They said it, I taped it – Couch Slouch’s partial list of TV talk in 2007 that confounded and confused us:

Fox’s Darryl Johnston: “Marques Colston [has] very strong hands at the point of the catch.” Johnston had a choice here – he could’ve said Colston has “good hands” or he could’ve said Colston has “very strong hands at the point of the catch.” He chose the latter.

ESPN’s Ron Jaworski: “The Saints defense is losing their gap discipline.” Gap discipline cost me my first marriage.

CBS’s Clark Kellogg: “Corey Brewer is a stat-sheet-stuffer supreme.” Translated from Kellogglish – a bastardized version of English spoken in TV studios and hookah lounges – this means that Corey Brewer plays well.

ESPN’s Tim McCormick on St. Patrick High’s Corey Fisher: “They say that quarterbacks and shortstops and point guards are born. He is a perfect example of that. Coming out of the womb, you knew that he understood about spacing on offense and how to lead a break.” Boy, this kid had some top-notch prenatal care.

ESPN’s Fred Hickman: “There’s never a dull moment in the [NBA] draft lottery.” If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: If you’re looking for a great second date, get some good Thai takeout and fire up the NBA draft lottery on the old Sony.

Fox’s Tim McCarver, on how to bunt during the ALCS: “You try to keep the barrel of the bat above the ball.” Technically, there is nothing wrong with this point, but it came with the second batter of the game and indicated to me IMMEDIATELY the nature of the overanalytical avalanche to follow over the next 3 1/2 hours. Sure, just 12 little words, but that’s how “Moby Dick” got started.

(Column intermission: Has anybody had a better year in Congress than Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry? He worked tirelessly – tirelessly! – to get Major League Baseball to offer its Extra Innings television package to more homes. Then he worked tirelessly – tirelessly! – to get the Patriots-Giants game into more homes. Just think – if this guy were president, we’d be out of Iraq and we’d have more hockey on TV.)

Fox’s J.C. Pearson, as the Vikings trail the Packers, 23-16, with 1:30 left: “They have to hurry but they don’t have to rush.” That’s like telling an exotic dancer she has to strip but she doesn’t have to take off her clothes.

ABC’s Jerry Bailey, before the Belmont Stakes: “Sometimes, it just comes down to who wants to win the most.” Is he talking about the horse, the jockey, the owner or the bettors?

CNN’s Larry King, during a “Larry King Live” promo: “40,000 interviews and I’m just warming up.” It just struck me – he might be going after Geraldo Rivera’s record of 52,693 interviews.

CBS’s Rich Gannon: “I used to sit in my hotel room during training camp and work on my hard count.” I’ll assume he was staying in a hotel with a very limited cable-TV package.

Fox’s Tony Siragusa, just prior to the Eagles-Saints playoff game kicking off: “You know, everybody wants to talk about what the feeling is when you win. But I’m here to tell you what it is when you lose, because I’ve been there. I’ve been in the locker room with 50 guys crying their eyes out wondering what went wrong, looking around at each other. Let me tell you something – tonight, someone’s going to win and someone’s going to lose. But the memories from tonight’s game is going to stick with these guys for the rest of their lives.” Essentially, twice he told us he was going to tell us something and each time he told us nothing.

ESPN’s Norman Chad, on the World Series of Poker: “The weak ace is like a bad marriage – you wake up every morning with too much downside.” If there’s a bad wheat harvest in Russia or if a nuclear bomb were dropped on Chicago, this chump-and-a-half would relate it to one of his innumerable divorces. He needs professional help, but I can’t even imagine which profession can best help him.

Ask The Slouch

Q. What would be history’s greatest example of the Peter Principle – Gilligan being asked to gather coconuts, Barney Fife being promoted to detective in Raleigh or Isiah Thomas being named president of the New York Knicks? (Keith Swedo; Carmel, Ind.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Since it would appear that the Pittsburgh Pirates were the only baseball team not using performance- enhancing drugs over the last 13 years, do you think MLB will place an asterisk next to all of the Pirates’ losing seasons in that time? (Marc A. Mastro; Pittsburgh)

A. Ring this fella up, too.

Q. Does the NBA offer its players wake-up service when the playoffs start? (Allen Stern; Murrieta, Calif.)

A. The buck-and-a-quarter was in the mail by the time I got to “wake-up service.”

Q. Why does the NFL have instant replay when it can use TiVo? (Jay Hollis; Chicago)

A. Are we overbudget yet for ‘07, Shirley?