Couch Slouch has learned to hate Pats
In October, I wrote that the New England Patriots would not go 16-0, that they might suffer a three-game losing streak late in the season and “that this coronation- in-progress is preposterous for a team that will be watching Super Bowl 42 from the sidelines.”
Now, I don’t mind being wrong – I’ve had a lot of practice at it – but it’s somewhat bothersome to be spectacularly wrong.
Anyway, I’m still saying these unbeatable and unbearable Patriots will NOT make the Super Bowl.
At this point, it’s possible my judgment is clouded. For I must tell you – and it’s rather embarrassing to own up to this, because I don’t believe anyone should get so emotionally interwoven with the fate of sporting events – that I just don’t care for the Patriots.
I’ve had it with the whole lot of them. Among my complaints:
•I don’t want to say Tom Brady has a lot of time, but I’ve seen him dump one model and date another while in the pocket. He doesn’t expect to get hit and he doesn’t like to get hit. I’ve learned to hate him.
•During an off-season Sunday last year, at the church we both attend, I saw Randy Moss push off at confessional. He went into the booth and told the priest, “I admit nothing.” I’ve learned to hate him.
(Column intermission: So this 46-year-old New Yorker watched sports on TV for 29 hours in a row – What, 29 hours? That’s a slow weekend for me! – and they crowned him the Ultimate Couch Potato. He won a flat-screen TV and a recliner in the competition, sponsored by ESPN. Geez, for all the time I spend sitting on my butt for ESPN, I’m lucky to get an Andy Katz bobble-head doll.)
•I’ve had it with Patriots kickers. First they had supernatural Adam Vinitieri for years, now they have Stephen Gostkowski – wasn’t he opposing counsel in my second divorce? – and this mope also makes every kick. I’ve learned to hate him.
•The next time the Patriots try to throw it to Mike Vrabel on first-and- goal, I will leap through my TV screen and take the unnecessary-roughness penalty for clocking that preening peacock. I’ve learned to hate him.
•I googled the term “cheap shot” the other day and got nearly 2 million late hits for Rodney Harrison. I’ve learned to hate him.
True story: On Nov. 6, 1926, Will Rogers remarked, “I never met a man I didn’t like.” Two days later, he met Bill Belichick and retracted his statement.
By the way, when he faced the media last week after winning coach-of-the-year honors, Belichick sounded as if he was copping to felony theft and misdemeanor obstruction charges.
OK, so the Patriots have been the best team. They don’t need help from the officials. But they always get it, starting with the Jan. 19, 2002 Walt Coleman-Snow Bowl tuck-rule, replay-reversal gift that triggered their run of Super Bowl titles. That remains the single worst legal decision on American soil.
Anyway, back in October, I also wrote that Pittsburgh and Indianapolis would be better than New England. The Steelers made me look even more stupid than usual. Ah, but I still believe the Jaguars will beat the Patriots, 25-24; if that doesn’t happen, I believe the Colts will beat the Patriots, 25-24, in the AFC title game; if that doesn’t happen, I believe the Packers will beat the Patriots, 25-24, in Super Bowl 42.
If none of that happens, well, I guess I’ll be wrong again.
Ask The Slouch
Q. In football, do you think the offensive team would know to leave the huddle if they didn’t clap? (Mark Churchin; Robinson Township, Pa.)
A. Coincidentally, the Bush White House starts its weekly Cabinet meetings that way.
Q. Could you please explain the Player of Destiny’s performance against Georgia in the Sugar Bowl? (Matthew Honnold; Burke, Va.)
A. Colt Brennan and I had an agreement. It was broken. At this point, he is dead to me.
Q. What do Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson see in each other? (Richard Lopez; Rockford, Ill.)
A. Maybe they both like long walks along the Dallas North Tollway at sunset.
Q. Annual cost-of-living increases recently kicked in across the nation. Shouldn’t you consider paying your inquisitive readers, say, $1.35 in 2008? (Ed Wintermantel; Pittsburgh)
A. Listen, pal, if you want to send me 200 dimes to cover my additional annual cost, I’ll make you the first $1.35 winner. Until then, enjoy the buck-and-a-quarter.