Share concerns; expect no change

Fri., Jan. 25, 2008

The Washington Post The Spokesman-Review

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Carolyn: What, if anything, do you say to a friend who has a boyfriend who’s just awful? I and everyone I know who has met him dislike him intensely. He has no redeeming qualities that I can see. I’ve never even known him to be even somewhat pleasant. I’ve lost track of the number of people he insulted at my wedding.

I kept thinking she would come to her senses and break up with him; instead, she moved in with him.

So far, I’ve dealt with this by making plans to see her without him. But she has changed since she’s been with him, and not for the better. I feel like he’s slowly crushing her spirit, and it’s painful to watch. – Va.

The first bit of bad news is that your recourse is very limited. Namely, you need to point out that she seems unhappy, without explicitly blaming the boyfriend. If you accuse him, she’ll only dig in to defend him.

The boyfriend will come up in the conversation, obviously – you are connecting her dying spirit with his arrival on the scene – but you need to stick to the facts about her, even if you have to say, “I’m not saying Boyfriend is a bad guy, since only you know how he is with you one-on-one, but I do see the overall effect this combination is having, maybe in a way that you can’t.”

The second bit of bad news: I can almost guarantee that even if you say everything just right, it still won’t work. You’re not going for the epiphany moment, where she confesses how miserable she has been and vows to break up, and you’re not even going for the thanks-for-the-honesty-

I’ll-pay-closer-attention-from-now-on moment.

You’re doing the emotional equivalent of handing her a note for her to pull out and read when she’s ready. Your message is: You care about her, worry about her, and won’t just be the latest person to trash her boyfriend.

After that, you need to back off on the issue but stay in touch anyway, assuming you still like who she is. A good connection to even one friend will make her stronger if she ever reaches the point where she can admit that something is wrong.

Dear Carolyn: I finally graduated from college! Yay! My life is pretty fabulous right now (great apartment, great job, lots of friends in the area), but because I’m one of those people who get freaked out about any change ever, I’m still pretty apprehensive about starting life as a responsible adult. What do you wish you’d known about life when you were a new grad? – New Graduateville

How’s this: Don’t trash other people, don’t trash yourself, don’t trash your credit.

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