Warren Harding might object to expense, too

To: My hometown of Washington, D.C.

From: A fallen son who will not return

Re: Your new baseball stadium

So, how’s that spanking new, paid-for-by-the-people Nationals Park working out? The Nats are 12th out of 16 National League teams in home attendance in the first year of the fresh-faced, gleaming facility – your tax dollars hard at work!

Washington: First in War, First in Peace and First in Half-Filled State-of-the-Art Ballparks Funded Entirely From Public Coffers That Are Now Nearly Empty.

I first saw the retro ball yard on Opening Day, courtesy of ESPN. It looked like a picture postcard. Outside, the city looks like a living nightmare.

(Sure, some readers may ask: Why are you moaning about the Nationals’ new park one week after moaning about the new Yankee Stadium? Because I’m tired of sports franchises feeding off the public dime and I’m tired of the public’s compliance in this process. I’m tired of rich men pillaging the poor and then asking them to clean up afterward. If Nero were alive today, he’d be fiddling in a luxury suite at the Colosseum while Rome burned.)

Recently, I jotted down a list of Washington’s most pressing concerns:

Better schools, better roads, better crime prevention, better relief pitching, cleaner water, reduction of drug use, containment of rat population, improved two-out hitting, better libraries, better hospitals, better parking, a more reliable second baseman and the homeless.

But there’s a new stadium with great sight lines and leather chairs in the club section!!!

The field at Nationals Park is a three-way blend of Kentucky bluegrass. Many D.C. public parks, on the other hand, are a three-way blend of dirt, rocks and broken glass.

(Every time I bring up the stadium-vs.-social-services issue, I am called an old fuddy-duddy. Actually, I’m a middle-aged fuddy-duddy. And guess what? I used to be a young fuddy-duddy. Age is really not a fuddy-duddy factor, my friends.)

When I left D.C. for Los Angeles in 1992, it was largely because my first marriage had ended. But I also told friends, half-seriously, that I no longer could stand to live in a place that kept electing Marion Barry to office. And, now, a new century has not changed the skewed perspective that pervades too many Washingtonians.

Marion Barry is still in office and my former neighbors still have their priorities out of whack.

I don’t want to hear about the “creative financing” of Nationals Park. For once, I want to hear about the creative financing of projects that don’t involve Major League Baseball diamonds or pro football fields. I want to hear about stuff that impacts the community every single day in critical ways.

Nationals Park cost $611 million. You know what one-tenth of one percent of $611 million is? It’s $611,000. Now, imagine what you can do with $611,000 in 1,000 different platforms across the city. You might get the traffic signals synchronized on Massachusetts Avenue, just for starters.

At D.C.’s shining new palace, Lexus Presidents Seats go for $325, which includes a parking pass, gourmet buffet, complimentary in-seat food service and access to the President’s Club – meet Warren Harding! – the PNC Diamond Club and the Stars and Stripes Club. With enough money, you can have a grand old time at the grand old game, soothed by the crack of the bat on a warm summer’s night.

Indeed, Nationals Park looks beautiful on TV, and many of my friends say it’s a fabulous place to watch a game. ESPN’s Peter Gammons reported that the visiting clubhouse is the biggest in baseball and that the home clubhouse is “spectacular, right down to the fact that they have high-speed Internet access and iPod chargers in every locker for every player.”

I think it’s terrific that million-dollar athletes have wireless access as they’re toweling down after a tough 9-2 loss. It might be even more terrific if 14-year-olds in D.C. schools were afforded the same luxury.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Jaguars wide receiver Matt Jones’ recent arrest made me wonder – have you ever cut cocaine with a credit card? (Tom Casey; Indianapolis)

A. The credit limit on my Visa card is so low, it couldn’t cut Ryan Leaf.

Q. When PBA bowling events are held outdoors, is there a coin flip to determine who gets the wind? (Rob Mueller; Brookfield, Wis.)

A. Bowling outdoors? What’s next, poker in a hot tub?

Q. With respect to your marital history and MLB, does the current Mrs. Slouch have a trading deadline? (Tom Hoffner; Broadview Heights, Ohio)

A. No, but I check the waiver wire every morning.

Q. Thank goodness there are two weeks off between the conference championship games and ArenaBowl XXII. This should give the media ample time to cover the myriad story lines before the big tilt. (Frank Perry Jr.; Des Plaines, Ill.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.