John Blanchette: New meaning to make-up game

SEATTLE – They have not been much on winning – just four playoff appearances in their 31 years – but the Seattle Mariners have always loved a good slogan.

Playin’ Hardball. Refuse to Lose. Sodo Mojo. You Gotta Love These Guys.

Obviously, there are endless possibilities for 2008 – just the other day “Refuse to Close” would have been appropriate – but on Monday, M’s manager John McLaren unwittingly suggested a more all-purpose heading.

“The Seattle Mariners: Making It Up as We Go Along.”

It’s perfect. It accentuates the mirth and unabashed irony of this what-will-they-think-of-next summer while not dwelling on the drear and the losing and the 3-year contracts being doled out to .220-hitting catchers.

And it works in the bleachers as well as on the ballfield. The other day, a Safeco Field usher nearly put the run to two lesbian fans for smooching in the upper deck while ignoring a hetero couple in full liplock not far away. Over-the-top PDAs of all kinds are supposedly banned at Safeco, but according to one of the women in this case the usher huffed that, “It’s not fair for parents to have to explain to their kids why two women are kissing.”

Sheesh, that’s a softball.

The tricky deal is explaining to your kids why Carlos Silva is being paid $48 million to throw batting practice to the bad guys.

But back to McLaren, who posted his lineup card Monday evening with Richie Sexson’s name at first base for the first time in almost a week and then announced to an incredulous press corps, “This has been our game plan.”

Plan? There was a plan?

Sure there was. It was a secret plan.

And McLaren was stealthy about it. During the five games he had utilityman Miguel Cairo starting for Sexson, McLaren was the master of misdirection. He said the change was “day to day.” He complained that the story was “taking on a life of its own.” He said he wasn’t going to mess with the lineup while the Mariners “were on a hot streak.” Finally, he said it was “more about Cairo than Sexson.”

Only now it turns out Sexson was working feverishly with hitting coach Jeff Pentland to open up his stance, and it was about him all along.

“This was the day we were targeting,” McLaren said, “and here we are.”

Here they are – 4-2 losers to the Angels this night, slipping even further behind the team with the next-to-worst record in the American League and offering their beleaguered masses no real hope.

Except perhaps the hope that the Mariners keep losing – preferably in the sad-sack fashion they honed on the last road trip and not the closer, more easily rationalized manner they’ve slipped into back home.

Yes, it’s counterintuitive. It’s not like the M’s can tank it for the first pick of the draft, since the draft is Thursday and would be unlikely to provide any instant relief anyway – or relief at all. In the last decade, the Mariners have received significant contributions from exactly one of their first-rounders – reliever Brandon Morrow – though a couple remain in the hopper. That’s the good news for you faithful waiting on the future.

No, the M’s need to keep losing because:

“ The season is over, insofar as it pertains to Seattle being post-season relevant. The M’s would now have to go 70-34 the rest of the way to win 91 games – and even that is unlikely to win the division. The cautionary tale of the 2005 Houston winning the National League Central after a 19-32 start is not applicable, as the Astros did not have to resort to playing Miguel Cairo at first base.

“Humiliation is the only way Mariners ownership will embrace change – or at least have it forced upon them.

For all that ails the M’s at the moment, they’re mostly in need of a high colonic.

Pleasant as he is, McLaren’s dithering over the Cairo/Sexson swap would have been a new low except for the fact that sometime during spring training he declared that the club had “five No. 1 starters.” Upbeat is one thing, delusional is another. And while he can’t hit or pitch for his players, he can exact a price for baserunning blunders and the maddening lack of discretion his team shows at the plate.

But that would require that the Mariners have a real plan – and they don’t. This club was not put together with any sort of identity – whether it be speed, power, high on-base capability, defense, whatever. Nor was any thought given to personalities, chemistry or leadership – which is why it was so laughable to hear general manager Bill Bavasi’s blistering screed last week about players lacking the “guts” to take a coasting teammate aside and set him straight.

He put the team together. He can bloody well take it apart.

And it should be now, at least to the point of giving Sexson the season off instead of five days, of getting young players like Jeff Clement and Wladimir Balentien in the lineup regularly to evaluate whether they can be longer term answers, of transitioning Morrow to the rotation – or a closer’s role, if that means J.J. Putz could be traded for some much-needed prospects.

But those evaluations also need to be made by new eyes. And that won’t happen until the losses – the humiliations – mount.

Sound like a plan? It does in the year of making up as they go along.