The problem is you’re enabling your daughter

Dear Harriette: I am a 60-year-old liberal hippie of the 1960s, and my daughter, now 35, was brought up in a loving nuclear-family environment. I had a career, and she now has her own career and a 6-month-old baby. She met the father of the baby, he moved in, she got pregnant and they married after the baby was born. We learned that this “husband” doesn’t work. He goes to bed for a week.

My hubby and I have given our daughter $40,000 and at first bought the baby’s milk, clothes and necessities. Now we buy clothing for the baby. My husband refuses to acknowledge the existence of his son-in-law because this guy refuses to work. He is neither sick nor handicapped.

We had him investigated and found out that he hasn’t worked much in his life, has lived off other women and is a pathological liar. She got angry with us, especially with me, because we refuse to have anything to do with him. He has driven a wedge between us, and this seems to be his intention.

We would tolerate him if he got a permanent job and started paying for at least the baby’s needs. What can I do as the mother? — Patricia, Chicago, Ill.

Dear Patricia: Stop enabling your daughter. As hard as it may seem right now, the best way to help your daughter is to stop serving as child support. She has to feel the hit so she can become empowered in her nuclear family. Her husband may be depressed. He may need psychological support. He may simply be a deadbeat, and she will have to decide whether she wants to stay with him and foot all the responsibility or not. Step out of the way, so she can see what’s before her.

Dear Harriette: My wife and I go out with another couple for dinner regularly. Occasionally, we go to a “family style” restaurant where the food is served for everyone to share. Invariably, instead of using the serving pieces, our friend (the husband) will start putting his own fork into the platter of food and start to serve himself. He sometimes even eats directly from the platter of food.

Needless to say, this action ends the meal for me. I find this behavior rude and selfish! What makes him think I want to eat from that dish after his fork (and saliva) have been in it? His wife sits there and says nothing. This has been going on for years, and I never say anything because I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship. How can I make him stop this rude behavior without insulting him? — Robert, New York, N.Y.

Dear Robert: Your biggest error is that you didn’t speak up before. Now the best thing to do is to limit your dinner dates to more formal restaurants. If that won’t work, use humor to state the truth: You can’t stand double dipping!