Carolyn Hax: Never tell kids which of them is your favorite

Dear Carolyn: I have three kids. I love them all.

But one of them is my delight. I don’t admit this to anyone, not even my husband. I try so hard not to favor her in any way. There are big age gaps between all three kids, so it’s reasonably easy to hide. Plus, I’m seriously motivated.

In all my courtside, backstage, poolside, deck-chair conversations with other moms, no one EVER talks about this, no matter how many margaritas have been swirled. Is this the dirty little secret of parenting? Or are most people really fair in their affections? – Anonymous

I’m choosing against any answer that requires purity of “most people.”

I do think it’s common to feel and highly uncommon to speak. Not because I have insight into a statistically significant sampling of parents, or specific firsthand knowledge (of course!), but because it makes too much sense.

Take the feelings people do express freely: We prefer one parent to another, one sibling to others, one grandparent, aunt, colleague, neighbor, dog, barista, TV character to others. Are you friends with a couple? Then you like one half better. The earth is round, the sky is blue, and some people fit better than others.

Follow the logic, and having equal feelings for multiple children would be the affront to nature, and yet the reverse seems to earn that distinction.

It’s obvious why: Children are different. There are many reasons, but it’s mainly because there’s no greater power than a parent’s over a child. A good parent knows this, knows the weight of it, and wants to use it to uplift, not crush. And how better to crush Sammie than to reveal her own mommy likes Pammie better?

So, you summon the same enthusiasm for their different strengths. Your kids will figure it out regardless, but it will matter that they never heard it from you.

Dear Carolyn: I’m 25. And a virgin. And I plan to stay a virgin until I’m married.

I don’t want to introduce myself “Hi, I’m not gonna have sex with you.” But I also don’t want to lead people on. When do I let people in on my decision? Third date, second base … ? – Not a Tease (Really!)

Bigger question (isn’t it always): When do you let the people you date in on who you are? You chose virginity by reading yourself. Now, choose to reveal it by reading the person and reading the moment. What you’re looking for, of course, is something none of us reads with 100 percent accuracy: trust. We see it best, though, when we realize that’s what we need.