Networks bring it during May sweeps

You know it must be May sweeps in TV-ville when a silly game show is commandeered by menacing stormtroopers and a bunch of curvaceous models dressed in gold Princess Leia bikini tops.

That was the scene Monday on NBC’s “Deal or No Deal,” where, for one night, they shamelessly adopted a “Star Wars” theme. It was a decent night of entertainment that might have risen to the level of spectacular if only Chewbacca had taken a giant bite out of Howie Mandel.

Ah, but no such luck. Sweeps programmers might claim to pull out all the stops, but even they have their limits.

If this all sounds sort of grumpy, maybe it’s because this sweeps – one of four quarterly ratings periods used to set advertising rates – seems to have an air of sad desperation about it.

So much of the season was waylaid by the writers strike, and now, with only a few weeks to go before summer vacation, the networks want us to conveniently forget how they abandoned us and join their little party.

But apparently not all of you got the memo. Last week, two of prime time’s biggest shows – “CSI” and “Grey’s Anatomy” – kicked off sweeps with fresh episodes and posted some of their lowest audience totals ever. Maybe there was something to all that talk about viewers finding something else to do during the work stoppage.

Still, that’s not going to stop the networks from once again going into hyperdrive to win your love. As usual, we’ve got plenty of programming stunts, high-profile guest stars, glitzy specials and supersized episodes.

Among the more bizarre undertakings is a CBS crossover stunt involving “CSI” and the sitcom “Two and a Half Men.” No, they’re not melding characters; they’re swapping writers.

Monday’s episode of “Two and Half Men” will be penned by the “CSI” scribes, and next Thursday’sinstallment of “CSI” will be handled by the “Two and a Half Men” script writers.

So how will all this turn out? Lord knows, but it will be highly disappointing if Grissom doesn’t try some lame pick-up lines on a hot babe in a Vegas casino, and Charlie doesn’t find a few maggots in his morning cereal.

Speaking of CBS, Britney Spears’ tiny role on “How I Met Your Mother” got so much attention that the show is bringing her back one more time, on May 12. It doesn’t matter that her character was completely frivolous and distracting, she drew big ratings.

Other shows also will be counting on special guest stars to juice the Nielsens, though they may not have the drawing power of Britney.

To celebrate its 200th episode on Wednesday, NBC’s “Law & Order: SVU” had Robin Williams drop by. It was his first appearance in a scripted series since he did a guest shot on “Friends” in 1997.

Still to come on NBC is the May 15 season finale of “ER,” which loads up on old-guy guest stars Hal Holbrook, Stanley Tucci and Steve Buscemi. Meanwhile, Ryan O’ Neal joins Fox’s “Bones” on Monday. Now if that doesn’t get you all goose-pimpley, what will?

Some shows forgo the guest stars and simply go on steroids for sweeps. The season finales of “My Name Is Earl” and “The Office,” for example, will buff up to an hour apiece.

Not to be outdone, the season finales for “Lost,” “Desperate Housewives” and “Grey’s Anatomy” on ABC will all run for two hours. Considering how torturous a single hour of “Grey’s” was last week, this could be a major challenge. (Better load up on Red Bull.)

Of course, the blockbuster reality finales also will be bloated, as usual. We can count on “American Idol” (Go David Cook!) and “Dancing With the Stars” (Go Kristi Yamaguchi!) to be filled with retrospective clips, lame shtick and worthless filler. If there was ever a case for using a DVR and quickly skimming through a program, this is it.

Still, I think I’d rather watch both of those shows in their tiresome entirety than spend Mother’s Day with NBC. That’s when Donny and Marie Osmond will host a special called “Teleflora Presents America’s Favorite Mom.”

During the broadcast, the singing sibs will crown one lucky winner based on the results of online voting. Oh boy.

Nothing against Donny and Marie, but I find it curious that programmers believe they still have some ratings clout. Oh well, may the force be with them.