Empty nesters: Alone, but not lonely

The silence can be bittersweet. The phone doesn’t ring as often. The TV isn’t always on. And the house is no longer as noisy as it once was when teenagers were constantly coming in and out the door.

While it’s certainly peaceful, all that quiet can be a painful reminder to mothers and fathers whose children have now moved away from home.

“It was absolutely a shock to discover how devastating it was for me and my husband,” said Sherry Barrett, recalling those first few months without their children at home. “We were so close and so involved. … You want them to keep experiencing who they are in the world, but in the next breath, you want to keep them close and protect them.”

When kids grow up, move out and go to college, some parents jump for joy and ache with sadness at the same time.

Of course, they’re happy for their kids. And yes, they’re proud to see them on their own. But it’s still hard to say goodbye and continue to live in a quieter, empty home.

This confusing mix of emotions that often comes when children leave the house for college prompted a group of Spokane mothers to band together for support – to learn from each other’s experiences as they adjust to life without kids at home; to share the successes and sorrows of their own children; and to inspire and encourage each other as they embark on a new chapter in their lives.

The women – all members of Westminster Congregational United Church of Christ – call themselves “The Full Nesters” as a reminder that life continues to be busy and fulfilling even in the absence of kids.

Parenting doesn’t end as soon as your children move out, the mothers explained during a recent Full Nester get-together at the church. This new phase isn’t necessarily easier or harder than any other stage of parenting, they said; it’s just different.

“I was quite shocked to learn how gut-wrenching it was to have my little girl go to college,” said Shelby Rothstrom, recalling her own challenges when her daughter left for Washington State University two years ago. “I have a full nest, but I have an aching heart, too.”

The Full Nesters usually meet for dinner, but on a recent Tuesday evening, they decided to gather in the church parlor to assemble boxes full of chocolates, snacks, letters and other goodies for their kids in college. Each mother brought treats not only for her own child, but enough for the kids of the other Full Nesters. In each box, they also included notes from members of the church, some of whom have known their children since they were in grade school.

As the moms drank red wine and ate pizza at a table covered with treats and trinkets, they shared stories about their children’s ongoing endeavors.

“I think it’s so awesome that our children get to experience so much,” said Westminster’s pastor, the Rev. Andy CastroLang, after fellow Full Nester, Barbara Safranek, talked about her daughter’s opportunity to teach in Costa Rica. “I don’t mean to sound co-dependent, but you live a little bit through your kids.”

Safranek, a mother of three, nodded in agreement. “Kids really do open your world,” she said with a smile.

The mothers’ deep and sustained connection to their sons and daughters was evident not only in the stories of their children’s current pursuits, but also in the way they reminisced about the past – especially as they laughed with relief while recalling those years in high school.

“Where did all the time they go?” they often asked each other, still amazed at how quickly the years went by.

The Full Nesters started gathering about two years ago after one of the moms, Cindi Abbott, decided she needed the company and fellowship of other mothers as she watched her only child move away from home.

“It was excitement and terror at the same time,” she said, recalling the months after her daughter, Bethany, graduated from Lewis and Clark High School. “I kept wondering how it would be for me when she left. I was worried that she wouldn’t want to have anything to do with us.”

Abbott survived after Bethany left for Western Washington University in Bellingham. But the silence around the house was quite unbearable during those first few months, Abbott said.

To cope, Abbott kept herself busy by spending more time with other people. She joined a book club, a knitting group and became more involved in activities at church. Around the same time, she discovered a need to be with other mothers who were experiencing a sense of loss now that their kids were off at college.

“I was bound and determined not to be an empty nester,” said Abbott, whose daughter eventually transferred to Eastern Washington University after a semester.

“We wanted to have full nests even without our children.”

For Abbott and other mothers, one of the most difficult challenges was learning to let go and accept the fact that they couldn’t always help their kids. There were times when their children would e-mail or call feeling homesick, lonely or overwhelmed with school, friends, relationships, jobs and other issues.

“You feel so impotent because you can’t do anything from so far away,” said Barrett, mother of two daughters – one at Lafayette College in Pennsylvania and another attending graduate school at Pace University in New York. “You can’t give them a hug or make their favorite meal or even watch a movie together.”

All you can do, she said, is to be there for them when they call and to remind them of their strength and ability to survive hardship.

When she wakes up every morning, Barrett’s first prayer is always for the safety and well-being of her daughters. “The only thing I can do now is just hope for the best,” she said.

In her daughters’ absence, Barrett found other ways to spend those hours that were once completely occupied by the demands and needs of children. For one thing, she started creating mosaic art, a hobby that became quite therapeutic as she spent hours putting together tiny pieces of broken ceramic and glass. Other moms also started spending more time doing volunteer work and discovering new hobbies.

Their daughters and sons may no longer live at home, said the moms, but they will never cease to be parents – mothers who worry, who wonder, who wish to keep sharing in their children’s heartaches, hopes and joys.

“The one thing you can count on with children is that you never stagnate,” said CastroLang, whose daughter will graduate from Whitworth University this spring. “You have to constantly evolve. … Parenthood changes all the time and that’s a good thing.”