Stop giving Dad reason to nag

Fri., May 30, 2008

The Washington Post The Spokesman-Review

Dear Carolyn: I am 28 and married. My father feels I am wasting my time and skills in a job that pays so poorly (high school English teacher). He thinks I ought to go to law school, like my cousins. I’ve been teaching for four years, and while it hasn’t been easy, I’m really passionate about it and feel as though I’m making a difference. My parents frequently go on cruises, and each time I’m bombarded with tales of people they’ve met who are successful in business, law, etc. Presumably, the intent is to encourage me to pick something else. How do I handle my father’s nitpicking in a respectful way? – Stressed in California

Presumably, these successful cruisers were so talented they taught themselves in high school?

Never mind. My arguing your worth to you is as far beside the point as your arguing your worth to Daddy. Your profession is your business, not his. While it’s certainly nice to bask in parental approval, a functioning adult certainly also knows it’s not necessary.

So, stop giving him traction. Ask him, once, to please respect your choice and stop pressuring you. For any further meddling, it’s “Appreciate the concern,” change subject (or, for cruise anecdotes, “How nice for these people,” change subject). Daddy loses more than you do, ultimately, from his refusal to see who you are.

Dear Carolyn: I despise my job. I’ve made a list of my options, and my only viable option is to stick it out a couple of years until I have the experience necessary to transfer to another job. How do I summon the strength when this job affects every other aspect of my life? It’s all I can do some days to hang on. – C.

First, make sure you distinguish between “only viable option” and “only option that I am equipped to envision.” You want your misery to be in service of a worthy goal, not just in service of limited thinking.

If your reasoning holds and you resolve to stick with it, then you, too, can benefit from calculated distractions. Dot your calendar with motivators, the more regular the better – exercise classes, season tickets or subscriptions, TV series, standing dates, short vacations. Anything your wallet and schedule can withstand (and that isn’t self-medicating). You can jump to these rewards, one after another, until you’re safely across the stream.

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