Candidates ignoring real questions

My fellow Americans, now that it’s Election Day — even though we’ve gone to early balloting, just like it’s done for the Heisman — this is the last chance to decide which issues are truly most important.

Apparently, the candidates went into Monday still seeking the all-important nacho dip vote, because both John McCain and Barack Obama scheduled interviews on “Monday Night Football.” Final appeals to any voters who might have been watching and munching out there in TV land.

But then, why not? The Steelers were playing, and Pennsylvania is a swing state.

The thought occurs, that if these guys still hope to reach out to voters who spend their energy fine-tuning fantasy lineups and ranting at talk show hosts over third down play calling, sports analogies should help.

Speak to the people’s concerns, I say. So if there are any last-minute messages they want to send, and tailor their favorite campaign promises to John Q. Tailgater, these would help.

“I vow to bring peace to the world’s hottest trouble spots … including the final BCS standings.”

“My election would herald real change for America … the Detroit Lions above .500!”

“We will have sensible financial reform and do away with the excesses of the privileged … which means no $300 million payroll for the Yankees.”

“There will be genuine opportunity for the downtrodden and demoralized of our society, with specific goals for progress … the Clippers in the NBA Finals by 2011 and the Pirates in the World Series by 2012.”

“My election would mean a stronger America … and a Ryder Cup winning streak.”

“I need your vote. Pay no attention to what the opinion polls say … nobody expected the Tennessee Titans to be 8-0, either.”

“My economic package would include tax cuts for 95 percent of all Americans … or roughly equivalent to the number who hate Duke.”

“America must return to its former global position of grandeur … and start winning the Olympic gold medal in the 100-meter dash and pole vault again.”

“I can assure you the person I have chosen to be No. 2 on my ticket would be a capable and effective replacement, should I fall … better than Matt Cassel with the Patriots, way better than Brad Johnson with the Cowboys.”

“We need to unite and bring an end to these ugly divisions … speaking of some ugly divisions, did you notice in the NFL right now, only two teams west of the Mississippi have winning records?”

“We will turn our backs on fear and make dangerous places secure again for Americans … including making October safe once more for the Cubs.”

“We want to return to those days of normalcy when Wall Street was stable … and Notre Dame actually won bowl games.”

“We cannot have the same leadership as the past eight years and must go a different direction … just like Tennessee figured out Monday with Phillip Fulmer.”

“My campaign is about beating the odds … if the Phillies can win the World Series, I ought to be able to carry Florida and Ohio.”

“We will not take a backseat to the emerging power of China … and that includes in beach volleyball.”

“We will keep American jobs from being shipped out of the country … except, of course, for outfielders from the Dominican Republic, infielders from Venezuela and left wings from Sweden.”

“We will increase the quality of our medical care and ensure that adequate funding be made available, so we can add to some of the world’s most important and thrilling medical breakthroughs we have seen in the past … then who knows what the next Tommy John surgery will be?”

“Once the voters speak, together we will hear nothing but good news from the college rankings … Associated Press, USA Today and Electoral.”