Find first husband for sake of second

Dear Annie: Thirty years ago, I married an abusive man and had two children. Four years later, pregnant and miserable, I ran away and left the children with their paternal aunt to raise. Then I met “Joe.” I lied on the marriage license (with Joe’s approval), saying I was divorced so that we could marry. When my son was born, I gave him Joe’s last name.

It’s been 26 years since then. My question is: To whom am I legally married? My first husband has more children with someone else, and I have only seen my older kids a couple of times. We live in another state and I no longer know where they are. I need help trying to get this straightened out, so can you please give me some guidance? – Mrs. Smith or Mrs. Jones?

Dear Mrs.: Unless your first husband initiated divorce proceedings, you may still be legally married to him. After all this time, he may be quite willing to let you go without much fuss, but there’s no way to guarantee it. Talk to a lawyer and find out what steps you need to take to extricate yourself from your previous marriage and make your current situation legally binding. And please try to find your older children. You may have done what you thought was best for them at the time, but we can assure you, they never stopped wondering if you simply didn’t love them enough to want them to be part of your new life.

Dear Annie: When my office assistant announced her engagement, I offered my husband’s print shop services for her invitations. She graciously accepted. She often asked my advice regarding her dress and other things. I also organized an office shower.

She spoke to me several times as if I were invited to the wedding, but no invitation appeared. I assumed it was an oversight and mentioned it to her. She seemed awkward and I regret inquiring. The next day, an invite was on my desk.

I realize our offer to help does not automatically require an invitation, but considering the relationship and closeness it only seemed appropriate. In hindsight I think I was wrong. So what do I do now? Should I attend? Should I stay away and send a gift? – Etiquette Lacking

Dear Etiquette: You are right that you should not have asked about your invitation, although it is rude to impose on friends for wedding advice and assistance and not invite them to the event (assuming, of course, it is more than a family-only affair). But that is irrelevant now. You’ve been invited to a wedding. If you wish to attend, do so. Please send a gift either way.