Learn to ignore Dad’s insensitivity

Dear Annie: My mother died unexpectedly four months ago. My 71-year-old father has had a hard go of things, needing to learn how to cook, clean, wash clothes and pay bills. Until recently, my husband and I had been having Dad over once a week for dinner, and we checked in frequently to help him with bills, etc.

Dad’s not an easy person to get along with. He’s negative, overly critical and outspoken. Mom was the glue that kept us together. A month ago, we took Dad with us on a brief vacation. After spending a great deal of time together in the car, he and I had a blowup. I’m almost 40 and had never stood up to my father before. I’ve since seen a counselor who has advised me to establish boundaries and only interact with my father in public, until some time has passed. I suggested a counselor to Dad and even gave him a phone number.

Because we live in a tightknit community, I often see people who know our family and inquire how Dad’s doing. I’m reluctant to say, “I don’t know,” so I usually say, “OK” and change the subject. I’m guilt-ridden for not being there for Dad, but the very thought of being in his presence makes my heart pound and my stomach churn. How do I get through this tough time? – Grieving Daughter

Dear Daughter: You don’t need to offer details to acquaintances on the street who are simply being cordial. All you have to say is, “I’m sure Dad is fine” or “He’s managing, thanks.” The distance the counselor suggested should not be only physical. You must work on creating enough of an emotional distance that Dad’s criticisms and negative remarks no longer have such an extreme effect. Your counselor can help you learn how to stop giving Dad so much power to upset you.

Dear Annie: I had to laugh at the letter from “Baffled in the Midwest,” whose brother-in-law drives seven hours to drop in without advance notice.

Several years ago, my uncle and his wife came by our home to pay us a visit. We had not seen them in more than 10 years. To make a long story short, we had moved and, since my uncle never bothered to knock on our door, they just walked right in and sat down in the living room. All of a sudden, the new owners came in from the backyard, looked at them and asked, “Who the hell are you?!”

My uncle called his sister to ask where we were, and she said, “This is what you deserve for staying away all these years and then not calling in advance.” – Lesson Learned