John Blanchette: Cut through the baloney to The Wørd
The shame of Alex Rodriguez’s soulless mea pee-in-a-culpa Monday – or one shame, since there is so much to go around – is that he spilled it (sorry) for Peter Gammons on ESPN.
This would have been a home run on “The Colbert Report.”
If you don’t get your news from Comedy Central – in other words, if you’re over 35 – you may not be familiar with a segment on that particular show called “The Wørd,” in which the host launches into an over-the-top O’Reilly-esque rant and bullet points appear on the screen that more or less translate by shooing away the bull.
If only our ears could have been equipped with the same tool as we listened to A-Roid attempt damage control with his hand-picked questioner:
A-Roid: “When I arrived in Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me.”
The Wørd: “If only I hadn’t insisted the Rangers pay me that $252 million in gold bars.”
A-Roid: “Back then, it was a different culture. It was very loose.”
The Wørd: “The Primobolan dispenser was right between the Coke machine and the chewing tobacco.”
A-Roid: “I did take a banned substance. You know, for that I’m very sorry and deeply regretful.”
The Wørd: “My lawyer is filing suit against the Major League Baseball and the players’ union as we speak for not destroying the samples.”
A-Roid: (Gammons asking if the time period of his usage was 2001-03) “That’s pretty accurate, yes.”
The Wørd: “Wait, 1999 comes between 2001 and 2003, right?”
A-Roid: “It was such a loosey-goosey era. … To be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what substance I was guilty of using.”
The Wørd: “I just know it wasn’t sincerity.”
A-Roid: “Whatever it is, I feel terrible about it.”
The Wørd: “Has my lawyer filed that suit yet?”
A-Roid: “You get to a point where you get tired of being stupid and selfish and not being honest with yourself. And that’s what I realized in ’03.”
The Wørd: “Right after I realized they were going to start testing in ’04.”
A-Roid: “I think you just felt a tremendous need to keep up and to play well. You know, it was hot in Texas every day. It was over a hundred degrees.”
The Wørd: “But you know what they say about muscles: it’s not the heat, it’s the tumidity.”
A-Roid: “If I was a fan, a fan of mine, a fan of the Rangers, I would be very pissed off.”
The Wørd: “Thankfully, there is no such animal.”
A-Roid: “It feels good coming out and being completely honest and putting it out there and realizing that the more honest we can all be, the quicker we get baseball to where it is today.”
The Wørd: “Somewhere between professional wrestling and reality TV.”
A-Roid: “I felt like I was going up against the whole world. I just signed this enormous contract. I got unbelievable negative press, for lack of a better term, for (Rangers owner) Tom Hicks and I teaming up together …”
The Wørd: “Him paying, me taking – what teamwork.”
A-Roid: “At that time in Seattle, I had never even heard of a player taking a substance, a steroid of any kind.”
The Wørd: “That picture of me with my arm around Joey Cora when he was crying? Our supplier had moved to Texas.”
A-Roid: “I wasn’t even being truthful with myself. How am I going to be truthful with Katie (Couric) or CBS?”
The Wørd: “That’s why I asked for you, Peter. I can be truthful with you. Honest.”
A-Roid: “I love Andy (Pettitte) like a brother. He’s one of my best friends on the team.”
The Wørd: “When the team bus leaves for the airport, he’s the one I wave to from my limo.”
A-Roid: “I wouldn’t trade my life for anybody.”
The Wørd: “If I played football, I could do steroids and still be in the Super Bowl.”
A-Roid: “I’m going to have a sample of 14 years past this Texas era where I get to show and prove to the world who I am as a player.”
The Wørd: “Can I take back the word ‘sample?’ ”
A-Roid: “I think New Yorkers like honesty. I think they like people that say the truth. I also think they like great players who know how to win.”
The Wørd: “But Bernie Williams is retired.”
A-Roid: “God has done this for a reason.”
The Wørd: “He’s jealous.”
A-Roid: “In our clubhouse, everybody makes fun of me. And I like it. I like taking it. I am not a good ragger, but I am a good receiver.”
The Wørd: “Who called me A-Fraud? Tell me right now or I’m pulling a Manny.”
A-Roid: “It would be a dream to be in the Hall of Fame.”
The Wørd: “By the time I retire, I can buy the Hall of Fame.”
A-Roid: “I have great certainty that I’m going to overcome this and become a better person for it and a better father.”
The Wørd: “Girls, meet your new mommy, Madonna!”