For the Tiger who has everything

ORLANDO, Fla. – It’s good to be Tiger Woods. Like all golfers, he had the bunkers raked, his path cleared and cold drinks waiting at every tee Friday.

Unlike all golfers, he had a stalker.

She carried a backpack with beverages. Not just any beverages, of course, but ones that will keep Woods and his bank account properly hydrated.

I’m not here to promote Gatorade Tiger. I’m here to slap my forehead in amazement that somebody has a full-time job handing Woods bottles of Gatorade.

With all due respect to leader Sean O’Hair and his 65, I had to meet this lady and get some answers.

How did you get this job? Does it include dental coverage? And most pressing – why does even Tiger Woods need a personal beverage handler?

The answer became clear when I checked what’s in the coolers at every tee box. Powerade, the dastardly competitor to Gatorade.

Woods would rather four-putt than be seen drinking that. He also believes in the healthy benefits of Gatorade. Of course, for $100 million, I’d drink the pool of sweat Vijay Singh leaves at the practice range every day.

Tiger reportedly gets that much in his five-year deal. In return, he had to go to the Gatorade Sports Science Institute and have his perspiration analyzed.

I just can’t picture Stephen Hawking peering at Tiger’s fluorescent sweat through an electron microscope. But beverage science has come a long way since all you could get was orange and green Gatorade. What newfangled stuff was the lady carrying?

Tiger started on No. 10, and I spotted his beverage provider a hole later. A marshal hassled her about the no-backpack rule. She produced her credentials, which reminded me of an early Woods commercial.

“I’m Tiger Woods.”

“I’m Tiger Woods’ Gatorade handler! Now shut up before I have you flogged.”

A sheriff told the marshal that Miss Gatorade indeed had a permit to carry concealed beverages. I went over to ask her about her job.

“You’ll have to go through corporate,” she said.

Should have known. Like most things Tiger, all information has to be cleared through the FBI, CIA, NSA and IMG. I couldn’t even ask her for a free sample of Tiger’s special elixir with theanine.

Thea-what?

The Web site said it’s “an amino acid found in tea that may help support and maintain mental acuity and focus.”

Or maybe it won’t.

He’d just hit a tee shot into the rough on No. 15. He salvaged par on that hole, then bogeyed No. 16. Gatorade Lady appeared at the ropes and handed caddie Steve Williams a red bottle and a blue one. Tiger, who started his round on the back nine, didn’t drink anything for another six holes, and it was out of a green bottle.

“It’s probably Vitamin Water,” a veteran Tiger watcher said.

That’s the company Gatorade outbid for Wood’s drinking services.

All I know is Woods shot a 69 on Friday but still trails O’Hair by five shots. If he rallies to win, he’ll accept a check for $1,080,000.

And somewhere in the crowd, a nameless lady will reach in her bag and pour herself a nice Gatorade shower.