Relationships have limits

Dear Carolyn: How do you recognize a toxic friendship? I have a very close friend who has stopped speaking to me because she says I have hurt her feelings and she is too upset to talk about it.

I often feel that our relationship is emotionally draining for me, but I’m afraid that might be because of my problems with depression and communication. I’m wondering if I’m the “toxic” friend who demands too much from her. Does it matter who is at fault if the relationship is just not good for one or both of us? What should I say when I do have the opportunity to talk to her about it? – Confused

Simplistically speaking, your willingness to see yourself as toxic means you aren’t toxic, and if she’s able to calm down and talk to you about what upset her, then she’s not toxic, either.

Toxic people don’t give anyone else a chance to be right.

Toxic people also aren’t the only reason friendships fail. Being ill-suited kills them, too, as does annoying each other, or boring each other, or even just slipping down each other’s priority lists until one of you gets pushed off once and for all.

It sounds as if both of you expend a fair amount of energy just trying to get along. People have different thresholds for when friendship becomes too much work – but if one of you has reached yours, then that alone suggests it’s time to part ways. Sometimes it’s nobody’s fault.

As for what you say if you do get a chance to talk to her – and I certainly hope you do, since under-explained refusals to speak are the pettiest form of torture – just keep it simple. Ask what you did to hurt her, what she would have preferred you to have done, and what you can do now.

It’s a towering if, but if she gives you a straight answer, then you can do the same about your ability – or even willingness – to make things right.

Dear Carolyn: My sister-in-law and her fiance have planned a destination wedding to Hawaii. Since they are family we feel we must go. However, I am feeling resentful about the huge cost, the use of vacation time, the vanity of it all.

Any suggestions to help me get over my resentment, besides deep breaths? – Annoyedimous

Don’t go; say it’s too expensive. Or get excited about the wedding and/or Hawaii, and go. They’re your only good choices. Going grudgingly serves no one . While I’m with you on the cost, time and vanity arguments, which rightly indict the couple, it’ll be your decision and your attitude, ultimately, that determine whether you waste your money and time.