Figure out what’s missing and take action

Dear Mr. Dad: My son turned 1 a few weeks ago, and it’s been months since my wife and I have had even an hour to ourselves. She makes abstract plans (“We’ll do something this weekend”) but they never happen – she always comes up with some kind of excuse.

I’ve complained, but that just upsets her. I’m trying to be understanding but I’m getting more and more frustrated. Help!

A: When you have a baby, going out for even a few hours can take a serious amount of planning. Theoretically, as your baby gets older, it should get easier and easier to get away, not harder, so I understand your frustration.

That said, let’s try to figure out what’s really upsetting you. The big question is: what is it that you miss – simply going out or spending time alone with your wife? There’s a subtle but very important distinction.

If it’s a question of going out, no problem. But be prepared; if you really want it to happen, you’re going to have to take the lead.

Start by doing a little research and find someone you can trust to watch your son.

This may not be as easy as it sounds. Good, reliable, reasonably priced sitters are in short supply and your friends may not want to share their good fortune with you.

If you’re having trouble, try a few Web sites, such as sittercity.com, care.com, babysitters4hire.com and care4hire.com. Several of those sites also allow you to do background checks on prospective candidates.

As soon as you’ve found a sitter you can trust, schedule a regular date night. Every week or every other week is fine. Then start making dinner reservations.

Having dates on the calendar reduces the chance that you or your wife will let your plans fall through. Keep in mind, though, that kids get sick and legitimate stuff happens, so be gracious if your plans do have to be canceled.

Now, if the real issue is that you’re missing your wife, by all means tell her. And by that I mean come right out and say, “Honey, I miss you. I miss talking with you and laughing with you.”

The two of you can work together to figure out how to spend more quality time together. Maybe once a week you could order take-out so you can both enjoy a work-free, cleanup-free dinner.

During the rest of the week pay attention to where all your wife’s time and energy goes. Then, start pitching in – without being asked. Fold some laundry, fill the dishwasher, or maybe take over your son’s bedtime routine.

Believe me, your wife will definitely notice what you’re doing, and she’ll return the attention tenfold.