Get out if he doesn’t get counseling

Dear Annie: I have been married to “Rocky” for a year. We are in our mid-40s, and it’s a second marriage for both of us. We are so much in love, but Rocky is jealous and insecure. I know he had a painful childhood and has emotional scars from his first marriage. (His ex-wife had several affairs.) All this has left him with little trust. The problem is, I had an affair during my first marriage. It was only after years of neglect and a husband who refused to listen to me. Afterward, I felt so ashamed. I learned a valuable lesson that cheating is never the answer, no matter how bad the circumstances.

I was upfront with Rocky about this when we met. I wanted a relationship built on total honesty. But whenever Rocky is angry, he throws my past in my face, calls me names, claims I still have feelings for my ex and thinks I’m flirting with his co-workers. He accuses me of checking out other men and talking to guys on the phone, even though he has access to my phone records and can see it’s not true.

Last month, I locked my keys in my car and had to wait an hour for the tow truck. Rocky insists I secretly met someone and refuses to check out my story with the auto club. Our arguing has gotten so bad that we have become physical. I admit I pushed him when he got in my face, called me a liar and worse, and accused me of things I’ve never done. We went for counseling, and it was suggested that we have individual counseling first. Rocky agreed, but we haven’t done it yet.

I love this man with all my heart and would never hurt him. How do I handle such an insecure person? I don’t want a divorce, but I don’t want to spend my life defending myself. – Tired of Living in the Past

Dear Tired: Rocky isn’t simply insecure. He shows signs of being a potential abuser. And if both of you are getting physical, the situation could escalate quickly.

Unless Rocky recognizes that he has a problem and works on it, things will not improve. It’s good that he is willing to get counseling, so take advantage of his pliability while you can. Get a referral immediately. Otherwise, get out.