Sibling support needs nurturing

Dear Carolyn: As a mom of three girls, is it in my job description to try to ensure my daughters are close? My two oldest (10 and 8) are inseparable, which is great, but they have never had much interest in their 5-year-old sister. They have started asking whether I will take just the two of them on special outings.

I don’t know whether it’s jealousy or they consider themselves too mature for her or what, but I have nightmares of raising two daughters who are best friends and one who feels like an outcast her whole life. – Olympia

If you know of some way to “ensure” a close relationship between any two people, please write back with the specs.

In the meantime, yes, the tweens are too mature – but it sounds a lot better as, “Developmentally, they’re in different worlds.”

Accommodating phases and fairness will demand some creative scheduling. Just as it’s not fair for your 5-year-old to be excluded, it’s also not fair to the older girls to populate their free time with someone who can’t keep up, or who tries to and gets on their nerves.

And the most direct way to satisfy these two conflicting needs is to make time for each of them. So, yes, give your older girls their “special outings.” Not only will it make them happy, but it will also occasionally relieve your 5-year-old of the burden of being a burden.

In return, on a realistically regular basis, give the little one time with a single older sib, one-on-one. Separate the inseparables.

And, this is important: Don’t mistake these for forced baby-sitting gigs, don’t choose activities that bore or annoy the older, and don’t bribe your way out of these first two “don’ts.” Make the activity itself a plum, and make it one both can enjoy.

Fairness might not require such active intervention for long – kids grow, dynamics shift – but you’re on duty, always, both to praise your kids when there’s support among siblings and to deny them traction when they carp.