Carolyn Hax: Give her lot of room to share her thoughts

Dear Carolyn: My fiancee and I are planning to get married next year. Because she has a young son and shares custody with the father, she will need to stay in the D.C. area. I live and work on the West Coast and commute to D.C. two times a month, or sometimes she comes this way. We got engaged last January, and I began the process of looking for a position in the D.C. area.

I have an imminent job offer in D.C., but also it looks like I may get offers in Dallas and San Francisco. While they are all attractive, the Dallas and Bay Area jobs have higher potential for promotion, offer better compensation, and may provide more challenges.

When I told my fiancee that I was looking to take the D.C. job so that we could be together, I was somehow expecting her to be grateful for my efforts and sacrifice. Her reaction was more subdued – she is happy, but she pointed out to me that while she wants me in D.C., I need to be making choices that are good for my career. I thought I was trying to strike the right balance between career and family, and her reaction left me deflated.

Am I expecting too much? What am I missing? – Sleepless in Seattle

You’re missing her side of the story.

At least, that’s the most notable absence. Guessing at what somebody wants and then hoping the other person guesses right about you is not the formula for a satisfying intimate life.

To warm you up for the conversation, please consider there are many possible explanations for her tempered reaction. She may have read on you that you were excited about the other jobs, and felt a bit hurt herself.

She might have wanted you to make this choice for yourself, not for her.

She might not have felt comfortable in the role as sacrifice-ee; there is a lot of implied pressure that comes with it.

And, of course, there’s the obvious – she might have unexpected reservations about your moving close by.

That’s just a sample, but I offer it because the most important thing you can do is give her ample room to share whatever’s on her mind.