Carolyn Hax: Tell beau you want whole truth

Hi, Carolyn: Caught my boyfriend in a small lie (he said an office event was employees-only; I later found out spouses and significant others were welcome). It led me to think he was concealing something major – maybe a work girlfriend. When I asked what was up, he apologized for lying but said he had really wanted to attend the party alone for shmoozing purposes but didn’t know how to tell me that without hurting my feelings.

I kind of get it, but instinctually I don’t know whether that explanation is OK/holds water. What’s your take on this? – E.

There’s certainly no shortage of people who believe ignorance is bliss, who like their bad news withheld, who want their truths told selectively and with all the sharp edges filed off with white lies.

Because of those people (and solely because of those people), I can’t say outright, “He lied to you, so get out.” For all I know, a parent or sibling or close friend – or you yourself – trained him to believe protective lies were an act of kindness, and he merely transferred that notion of kindness to this situation.

For all I know, he’s having/planning a mad affair with someone at work. So there’s that, too.

Since the scope of the problem is still an unknown, you have a two-part decision to make. First, you need to correct any misconceptions he has about your appetite for the truth. Presumably you want it straight, so tell him you want honesty even when it’s awkward. Assure him you’re not as fragile as he seems to think. And while you’re there, ask him where he falls on this issue. Does he want you telling this kind of lie to him?

Once your preferences are out there, then you go to Part 2: Watch and wait.

Just don’t wait long. Either he has a “duh” moment over the whole episode – “You’re right, of course I shouldn’t (cow pie) you; I was an idiot” – and you both become more honest brokers for it, or you’ll find other, abundant signs that his heart’s in this only halfway.