Carolyn Hax: Reset priorities on roomie’s beau

Dear Carolyn: What is a nice way to tell a roommate that her on-again boyfriend can’t live at our apartment? When she moved in, she said they had broken up, but now he’s been over 99 percent of the nights she’s lived with us. I definitely did not sign up for a nonpaying fourth roommate either way, but he isn’t even friendly. I am absolutely awful at bringing up uncomfortable things like this and would like not to sound rude or alienate her, if possible. Is there a nice way to do something like this? – Va.

Do you think your roommate asked herself: “What’s a nice way to have my boyfriend over 99 percent of the time, even though I promised my new roommates that we had broken up?”

It’s not her priority to be liked; her priority is to have her boyfriend stay over. And so, voila, her boyfriend practically lives there and you’re starting to resent her for it.

I could take this argument to some interesting places, but here’s where I’m going with it: People tend to get what they prioritize. Till now, you have made it your priority to be nonconfrontational and accommodating toward your new roommate. And so, voila, you’re accommodating the nonpaying fourth roommate.

If you don’t like the way things have turned out, then you need to reset your priorities to reflect what you want. Do you want the boyfriend to pay rent, stay somewhere else, or just to acknowledge you in the hall?

Is there negotiating room that you’d be willing to use to remain on good terms with your roommate? What is your worst-case scenario: saying nothing and feeling like a big fat doormat, or speaking up, only to have your roommate move out/declare war/ignore you completely and continue hosting her boyfriend as usual? Which do you want more: to keep things in your comfort zone, or to draw a line where you think it belongs?

There’s no right or wrong choice here; there’s only what matters to you, and what you’re willing to risk to achieve it.