Adopted child just searching for roots

Dear Annie: “Still the Mom” was jealous that her daughter has found her birth parents. Adoptive parents get the short end of things when we see TV shows and read articles about this. The public gets teary over the joyful reunion, and the adoptive parents are rarely mentioned.

Searching for birth parents is about the adopted child knowing their biological roots, which helps them form a more complete image of themselves. But on an emotional basis, it is difficult for adoptive parents, even though studies show overwhelmingly that adoptees feel closer to their adoptive parents after meeting their birth parents.

I’d advise this mother to let go a little. Her daughter will, in time, appreciate the woman who rocked her as a baby, dried her tears and shared in her accomplishments. This is a bond the birth parents don’t have. – Adoption Counselor in California

Dear California: Thank you for your comforting words. We received hundreds of letters in response to “Still the Mom.” Read on:

From Richmond, Va.: Your answer was correct. The majority of adoptees searching for their birth parents are not trying to replace their adoptive parents. They want to fill the gaps in their histories. My adoptive mother said it best: “The reunion is not about me as a mother or my relationship with my daughter. It is about her finding what she needs to become whole.” I can offer two more good resources: The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in New York (adoptioninstitute.org) and the American Adoption Congress (americanadoption congress.org).

Chicago: My son was not interested in contacting his birth mother until he married and wanted his medical history. She was so happy to have the contact. I told my son, “You can never have too many people who love you.”