Family lacks caring, concern

Dear Carolyn: My wife has five siblings, one of whom has developmental delays. We are in our 50s and 60s. In June 2008, I was asked to assist in obtaining benefits for one of the siblings (paperwork isn’t this family’s forte). In the process, I became friends with my brother-in-law.

We are in contact often regarding his progress, and I have come to realize he has had to traverse too many complicated and confusing things alone. I think the family may have assumed he understood much more than he actually did. My brother-in-law may not have expressed his confusion, wanting to appear “like everyone else.”

After 18 months, I have not had one request from any of the siblings for an update. If I dropped dead tomorrow, not one of them, including my wife, would have a clue where to pick up the fight for multiple benefits.

Does this sound odd, rude or ungrateful to you? – Nebraska

It’s unfortunate, I’ll grant you that. Without knowing anything about the road this family has traveled, though, I’m not going to judge the condition in which they’ve arrived.

Instead, please consider achieving your moral ends through relentlessly practical (if burdensome) means. Document everything you do for their brother, and draw up clear instructions – updated regularly – for someone to pick up wherever you leave off, should you … “leave off” tomorrow. Invite your wife and/or any remotely cooperative siblings to look over your shoulder, too, so you can teach them what you’re doing. Don’t wait for them to show interest; they may never. Just encourage and equip them to care.