Push brother and he may pull away

Hi, Carolyn: My family has a tricky wicket. A year ago September my brother, at 22, received a yearlong work visa for Australia. While my parents weren’t thrilled he’d be away (we’re a close family), they are relatively supportive of our choices and try to not be obstructive.

A year later, my brother had to return to the States, but not before falling in love with a local. None of us likes her. Now he’s totally smitten and plans to leave immediately to spend another six months with her in Australia.

I think the part that really upsets my parents is that he’s literally thousands of miles away, and has shown zero interest in getting a job or taking some semblance of adult responsibility. My brother is a smart, talented college graduate but can’t see the forest for the trees with this Aussie serving as a shiny distraction. Mom is crushed, Dad is nonresponsive and neither my sister nor I can talk sense into him. – Anonymous

Has anyone made a connection between the family’s deep investment in his life choices and his sluggish start on adulthood? Just asking.

The best remedy for a 23-year-old with an unappealing girlfriend is to support his right to choose while you hope the thing runs its course.

And the best remedy for a 23-year-old who is slow to assume responsibility is to remove the financial crutch.

Pulling out all the emotional whips and chains – where the “crushed” and “non-responsive” hand-wringers “talk sense into” and “lay into” someone? That tears families apart. Actually, that’s often what makes distractions so shiny. Mates who are a direct challenge to family absolutes can seem like oxygen to someone smothered by those absolutes.

Please just love your brother and back off. If you want him home, make home a safe (read: non-invasive) place to be.