Sudden fatherhood will be hard at first

Dear Carolyn: My wife’s sister, a single mother to a 9-year-old, died suddenly. My wife and I, who never wanted kids, have decided to adopt our niece. I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing, other than knowing that all the plans I had for my life over the next 10 years are out the window. How do I learn to be a good parent when this was never what I expected out of my life? – Suddenly a parent

How do people who expected “happily ever after” regroup after being widowed or divorced? How do shopkeepers cope after technology wipes out their trade? How do pro athletes make a living after injuries end their careers?

Anyone who sees a future change dramatically will feel shocked and a little lost. Predictability feels safe, and starting over feels anything but.

Yet people are built to process enormous change. You came by your pre-niece contentment by swallowing huge doses of newness – your wife was a stranger to you once, right? You had first days of work and school? You faced the newness and broke it down into familiarity.

You’ll do the same with fatherhood. My practical advice is to take a parenting class, secure the ear of a trusted friend, and/or talk to adoption agencies about transition resources.

And anytime you don’t feel up to it, remind yourself of the adjustment your niece is making – and your wife, too, who is likely also grieving in ways you can only imagine.

The most important, most relentless truth about parenthood is that It’s Not About You Anymore. And why did you decide to adopt your niece? Because you realized this girl needs you more than you need to stick to your plans. That’s thinking like a dad.

Also, kids don’t sentence you to house arrest. This little girl might expand your world in ways you can’t yet imagine.

When faced with unwieldy decisions, choose what’s right for, in this order of priority: your niece, your family, your wife, you.