In-laws critical of parenting methods

Hi, Carolyn: I have two boys, 6 and 4. Both are highly energetic and our household is generally filled with noise and energy. When my in-laws visit, they tell us we are not strict enough, don’t feed our kids enough healthy foods, and let our kids watch too much TV.

Our kids are happy and healthy, they are doing well in school/preschool, and we have fun together.

Last time my in-laws visited, they gave us enough grief that I asked them politely to please stop criticizing our parenting style. I told them I didn’t appreciate their comments and they needed to just lay off. My mother-in-law did ultimately apologize.

I’m still annoyed, so, I’m not sure where to go from here with this. – Parenting/in-law dilemma

First, you need to see whether the apology was sincere. As hard as it will feel to welcome them back – and as much dread as you will generate leading up to that visit – it’s only fair.

Next, take a moment to appreciate how tough it is for guests to be around loud, high-energy kids. Failing to see their side will undermine your efforts to make peace just as your in-laws undermine them when they fail to see your side.

So, should your in-laws berate you again, scrape up your cool, and say you understand how annoying the noise and chaos must be.

Then, do both parties the favor of reminding them that they raised different kids under different circumstances – and that, like all parents, you and your husband now have to use your best judgment to raise the kids you have under the circumstances you have.

It’s really just the long, calm version of “lay off.”

But with this approach, you acknowledge your in-laws as veteran parents who had their own struggles, and ask them to identify with you long enough to realize on their own that they need to lay off.