Mom’s ultimatum is from fear, love

Dear Carolyn: I’m a month late in scheduling a second post-surgical checkup for myself. My mother refuses to speak to me until I get the checkup and report the results to her.

I am 37 and independent. I’m not procrastinating intentionally. I know I will get around to making the appointment soon, and I’m comfortable with my management of my health care.

What I’m not comfortable with is her threat to sacrifice our entire relationship over this. I reject her tactics as disproportional, highly punitive, hostile and manipulative.

Sharing medical updates with her, as I would ordinarily, now equates with validating her ploy, which I refuse to do. Withholding them seems retaliatory and just as punitive as her ultimatum.

If I must get my checkup without telling her, just to avoid the perception of successful manipulation, then I guess I’ll do that. I don’t like it but I don’t see another option. Do you? – Anonymous

Explain to your mom that you are not changing the way you manage your care in response to her ultimatum, because you believe the only legitimate reason to change course would be a medical one. Remind her that you’ve been responsible enough to seek the diagnosis, get the surgery and arrive for your first follow-up, and you will continue to be responsible independent of her involvement.

Tell her you are disappointed that she used an ultimatum, and hope she will reconsider, because you will miss talking to her.

Putting this all in writing or phone message allows you to make your case without interruption. Use that. Finish your message by saying that you know she cares and is afraid to lose you, that you love her, and that she’s welcome to call you whenever she’s ready to talk.