Ignore complaints from selfish mom

Sat., Jan. 22, 2011

Kathy Mitchell/Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: A few years ago, my husband and I had some problems and we separated. My parents were wonderfully supportive at the time, but when I decided to return to my marriage, they insisted my husband apologize to them. He refused, saying he only owed apologies to me and the children, and even if he did apologize to my parents, it wouldn’t change their feelings toward him. I tend to agree with him. They have had a rocky relationship since we were engaged.

My parents have now decided that my husband is not welcome in their home if he doesn’t apologize. That is their choice. My husband is pretty good about letting me take the kids to see my folks without him. The problem is always during the holidays.

My husband and I each have children from previous relationships, and they need to see those sets of parents and grandparents on the holidays, too. My mom, no matter what, is never happy with how I divide my time. I am tired of being told, “It would be nice if you would eat here once in a while,” or “Why can’t you stay longer?”

I have told my mother that I am doing the best I can, but will not leave my husband to eat holiday meals alone. That isn’t good enough. She complains that all she gets are the “leftovers” of my day.

Christmas was difficult last year. How can I get Mom to understand that I can only be in so many places at a time? I am tired of the guilt trips. What can I do short of telling her that we won’t come at all? – Not Looking Forward to Easter

Dear Not: Your mother understands perfectly, but she is selfish. She wants all of your time and doesn’t care how hard it is for you or how unfair it is to others. Stop explaining your reasons, and learn to ignore her complaints. Give her whatever time you can manage, and if she doesn’t like it, too bad.

E-mail questions to annies mailbox@comcast.net.

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