Carolyn Hax: Aim to hurt the fewest people

Hi, Carolyn: I’m having an ethical dilemma related to my ex-husband. We’ve been divorced a year, separated for two. We were together more than five years. We were both very hurt by the breakup, but ultimately it was my decision to leave. There was no infidelity, no abuse. It was complicated but not vicious. Since the divorce, we’ve talked only to work out tax/financial issues, since we have no children together. It was always amicable, but awkward.

This summer, my good friend from college is getting married to my ex’s oldest friend (they actually introduced us). It will be the first time I’ve seen my ex since the divorce, and his mother will also be there. I have anxiety about not only seeing my ex and his mom (she can be quite curt), but also whether to bring along the man I am currently dating.

My boyfriend and I started dating months after the divorce, and it has gotten very serious. He’s a considerate guy and says he’ll understand if I don’t bring him. But I am torn. I feel like if I don’t bring my boyfriend, then I am putting my past relationship before my current one. Yet to bring my boyfriend might be heartless, since I know it would hurt my ex to see me with someone else. I respect my ex and don’t want to cause him any more pain. Am I over-thinking this? – Neurotic divorcee

Possibly, but that’s better than under-thinking it. The only things at stake here are people’s feelings, and so choosing the path for this one event that’s thoughtful and sensitive to the most people’s feelings is your only real goal.

And with that discrete, narrow goal in mind, please feel free to jettison the concern that you’re “putting my past relationship before my current one.” This is one event, not the rest of your life.

It’s common for people to fret about the precedent they’re setting, the slippery slope they’re traversing, the message they’re sending, pick your cliche for far-reaching consequence. Most of the time, these worries are just a needless distraction; if you bend on something once and don’t bend that way again, where’s the slope-slippage in that?

If it sounds as if I’m advising you to leave your new boyfriend at home, I’m not (though he’s either a good sport, eager not to go, both, or, ick, insincere and testing you, something else to consider). My advice is merely to simplify your decision by treating it as the one-off it is.

Envision seeing your ex for the first time since your divorce, and his mother, at the wedding of your mutual friends. What version of that scene is kindest to you, your current, your ex, his mom, and the bride and groom: being alone, or having your boyfriend there? That’s the decision you make.