Mom’s not ‘nuts’, but needs therapy

Dear Annie: My mother was physically and mentally abused as a child. I know because I have been listening to the horror stories since I was 5 years old. I am now in my 40s and, quite frankly, am running out of compassion for her.

First of all, I resent her dumping this on me when I was so young. Second, I know plenty of people who had rotten childhoods, but they eventually made peace with the past and stopped whining about it all the time. I understand venting as a part of the healing process, as I have been in therapy myself. But I don’t get any sense that my mother is trying to heal.

We cannot have a conversation without her bringing up some awful incident or begging me to tell her why my grandparents didn’t love her. She tells the same dreary stories over and over almost word for word, and it sounds like self-pity to me. I don’t know why my grandparents didn’t love her. And she abused me, too, in exactly the same ways, but refuses to admit it.

Is there any halfway polite way to tell her to grow up and shut up? I once suggested she get therapy, and she nearly screamed the house down proclaiming she’s not “nuts” and doesn’t need “a shrink.” Any suggestions? – Indiana

Dear Indiana: Your mother isn’t “nuts,” but she absolutely needs therapy. She cannot let go of the past, nor has she found a healthy way to deal with it. She is also being abusive to you by bringing this up over and over and expecting you to somehow take away the pain. The next time she starts up, tell her it is too difficult for you to listen to her childhood stories and you will no longer be her emotional punching bag. Then leave. If she needs to vent, she should talk to a professional.