Some guys, gals can be just friends

Fri., June 17, 2011

Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: I am writing to ask if you think men and women can ever be just friends. Most of my guy friends started out liking me as more than a friend, settled for friendship, but then let the friendship fade away as they started dating people. My boyfriend has no problem with my having guy friends, but my guy friends drop me once they find a girl to date. I’m left feeling like I’ve wasted my time and energy.

Last year, I introduced my best guy friend to a good female friend. They hit it off and started dating. She soon stopped speaking to me, and he became very closed-off and awkward around me. When I asked him why everything was so weird, he would only tell me that she was uncomfortable with our spending so much time together.

Is it, in fact, possible for a man and a woman to spend time together without causing jealousy from one or both significant others? – I really just want to be friends

You “really just want to be friends,” but these guy friends really just wanted to be your boyfriend, and agreed to be Mr. Congeniality so they could mill around and try to change your mind.

Men and women in that configuration can be friends, but only if Mr. Congeniality loses all interest in you romantically. As long as that interest in you smolders, it distracts them from the necessary business of falling for women who will fall for them.

And since people are not the complete idiots our rush-hour driving habits would suggest, these as-yet-not-fallen-for women recognize you as an obstacle to that outcome. Awkwardness and distancing ensue.

So, yes, men and women (whose partners aren’t insecure) can be great friends, when that’s all both of them want.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/ carolyn.hax.

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