Relationship rift inhibits small talk

Dear Annie: Please settle a disagreement. After 40 years of mental abuse, I finally ended the toxic relationship with my mother in order to keep my hard-won sobriety. Except when absolutely necessary, we have not spoken in more than 10 years.

The problem is what to say when someone asks, “How is your mother?” I reply honestly, “I don’t know. We don’t speak.” My husband says I should simply say, “She’s fine,” and leave it at that. But the one time I did, the woman exclaimed, “How can that be? She was in a car wreck yesterday!” leaving us both embarrassed. What is the best way to handle such inquiries? – Better Off Without Mom

Dear Better Off: If you don’t mind telling people that you are not speaking to your mother, it’s fine to say so, as long as it doesn’t provoke a long-winded lecture. We recommend a slightly altered response: “I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to her recently.” It’s honest, without giving too much personal information, which, we assume, is your husband’s main objection.

Dear Annie: I generally agree with your advice, but I think you blew it with “Tatted,” the girl who got a tattoo and was afraid to tell her dad. I agree that she should tell him right away, but to say it was OK because she is an adult is ludicrous.

Just because you are 18 doesn’t make you an adult. If she is living with her father, she has to abide by his rules. When you can support yourself, pay your own bills and live separately, you can get your tattoo. If you talk in the theater, the ushers will throw you out. If you smoke in a restaurant, you will be asked to leave. So why should an 18-year-old do what she wants without regard to the rules set down by the person supporting her? – Bill

DEAR BILL : Your analogy only goes so far. Dad can certainly ask his daughter to move out over this. But even if you believe she is immature, she is in fact a legal adult and entitled to pay for her own tattoo.