Beware judging parents’ choices

Dear Carolyn: My wife and I have a 3-year-old son. We are very much on the same page when it comes to issues of discipline, limiting TV and junk food, etc. It’s worked out well so far – we have a well-behaved child, who seems to be on the right developmental track.

Every year we spend a week with my family at a beach house. As parents, my sister and her husband are very heavy on indulgence and very light on discipline.

We anticipate that one of these years, our kid will ask why his cousins get to do and eat whatever they want, while he doesn’t (he would watch “SpongeBob” and eat cookies all day if he could). I wouldn’t know quite what to say in the presence of my sister’s family that would not offend them and would satisfy our kid’s sense of fairness in the world. Any advice? – Maryland

You let a 3-year-old watch “SpongeBob”?

Yeh-heh, made you look. On purpose, because the best thing you can know going into these situations is how it feels to be judged by other parents for the choices you make for your kids.

Your sister might well be too lenient with her spawn, but unless you intend to make a direct statement to your sister about her choices, it’s best to make no statement at all.

It’s also best not to draw a straight line between your parental choices and your child’s excellence; while it’s terribly important for parents to do their jobs, hubris has no place in the insanely complex series of causes and effects that creates a well-adjusted child.

So when the cousins are eating Crap Flakes straight from the box while your kid asks why he has to eat homemade granola, have a bland, stock answer ready, along the lines of “Different families, different ways.”

Save the longer explanations for calm moments at strategic intervals, to teach him about nutrition, hard work, the reasoning behind your ways.