Wanting to help abused friend

Dear Annie: I have a dear friend who has been in an abusive relationship for many years. The abuse is mostly verbal, but occasionally physical. Apparently, this has been going on for their entire 23-year relationship.

When she would temporarily leave him, I would be very supportive, cheering her on when she took his name off of titles and deeds. When she bailed him out of jail and paid his medical bills, I tsk-tsked. I have stood by her, but have always spoken my piece.

However, a recent incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Visiting friends saw the estranged husband come by and push and shove my friend to the ground. She was screaming. She managed to get him out of the house, and there were six witnesses to this abuse.

Now, a week later, he’s back home. How can I help her? I’ve told her to file a restraining order. I’ve told her to put her foot down. I’ve given her many positive suggestions that she knows she must do but hasn’t. In my last conversation with her, I said, “If he kills you, you don’t get another chance. Get rid of him.”

If I can’t help her, can I do something else? Are there support groups for friends like me who want to help and could use some resources for empowerment? – Worried in Florida

Dear Florida: Abusive relationships are complicated. Expecting the victim to simply walk out of a long-term marriage is often unrealistic and can be dangerous, especially if the partner is physically abusive. Please understand that the strength to leave must come from her, and you are not responsible for her choices. But your encouragement and support can be enormously helpful. The best resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline (ndvh.org) at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).