Loss of spouse isn’t like divorce

Dear Annie: Several months ago, I lost the love of my life. We were in the Caribbean for my son’s wedding when a blood clot made its way to her heart and lungs, and in seven minutes, the woman I had been married to for 33 years was dead on the streets of Nassau.

Once back home, my friends and family surrounded me. One by one, they asked me to their homes for good food and caring company. During two of these visits, however, the hosts turned to me with straight faces and said they “knew what I was going through” because they each went through a divorce. I could not believe my ears. How could they compare a divorce with the death of a beloved spouse? When I attended group grief counseling sessions, others mentioned they had heard similar remarks.

I am here to scream out loud that in no way is a divorce anywhere close to the death of a loved one. No matter the amount of pain, you can see your divorced spouse if you want to, maybe even reconnect someday. I will never, ever be able to touch or see my love again. Death is forever. – The Saddest Man in the World

Dear Sad: Our deepest condolences on your loss. Your well-meaning friends and relatives do not intend to minimize your grief, which is considerable. They are simply trying to connect with the pain of being alone. But you are right – these things are not the same. We appreciate your telling our readers to be careful not to make such comparisons in their efforts to empathize.

Dear Annie: “Unhappy 80-Year-Old Woman” rightly gave power of attorney to one of her children when she was ill, but then the child sold her belongings and still controls her money and her mail. Please tell her she has the right to revoke that power of attorney or grant a limited power of attorney. This is a form of elder abuse, intentional or not. – D.N. in Toledo

Dear Toledo: Thank you for the excellent suggestion.