Annie’s Mailbox: Insecurity could drive wife away

Dear Annie: My wife and I just celebrated a bittersweet 25th wedding anniversary.

Eight months ago, a friend emailed that my wife’s college boyfriend, “Steve,” was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Their relationship only lasted a few months, but it was intense. He broke it off. She held on to those feelings for the longest time. Even while we were dating, she communicated with him. .

When she informed me of Steve’s illness, I did not react well. I said I never liked him and wasn’t interested in knowing what was going on. Unbeknownst to me, my wife joined a cancer survivors website that Steve logged on to so she could follow his progress. She found out that he never married. The week Steve died, I saw the website address on her computer. She admitted what she’d done and also told me she had emailed to wish him the best.

I was floored by this information. I asked what he said in reply, and she told me, “Not much. It wasn’t like he proclaimed his everlasting love.” I haven’t been able to get that out of my head. Annie, it makes me believe it’s what she was hoping for – that he would confess he made a mistake breaking up with her, and that’s why he never married.

I am crushed. We have had a few blowups over this. Of course, she says she only reconnected with Steve because she felt bad for him. Am I overreacting, or will she always love this guy? – Tough Times in Kentucky

Dear Kentucky: Twenty-six years ago, your wife cared for Steve. When she learned he was seriously ill, she felt sorry for him, wanted to see how he was doing and sent her best wishes. This was a perfectly normal, compassionate response. Steve is certainly no threat to you now and probably never was. Somehow you convinced yourself that she married you only because she couldn’t have him. Please control your insecurity before you push her away completely.